Coming to Terms With Life and Death After My Cervical Cancer Diagnosis

“Let’s talk about death, baby”… oh wait, that’s not how it goes.

Coming to terms with dying isn’t something most people my age have to do, let alone accepting it years ago. For the longest time, I was scared to die, terrified of leaving my physical life and what my death would do to my family, especially my mom.

During my second bout with cervical cancer I was extremely ill, sleeping 14-18 hours a day, eating like a bird, hair falling out from treatment and stress. I felt myself slipping. There were mornings that getting out of bed was a chore and other days where I could fully function.

After eight rounds of hormone replacement and radiation, I was labeled cancer-free. The damage to my body was extensive. The sickness I had experienced for eight months continued for another six months, and the emotional damage was even worse.

About a year after I finished treatment I overheard my mom telling a story to her friend about her experience during my eight months of treacherous treatment. In her words, “Every morning I would walk down the hall to Julianne’s room, not knowing if it would be the morning I would find her in a permanent sleep. I would enter her room with hesitancy and would quietly walk over to her, feeling her arm to see if she was warm. Those eight months were long.”

My mom had never expressed her feelings with any of my battles. She had been my strongest supporter and advocate, always understanding that most days I couldn’t do anything but breathe.

Right before I started monthly treatment I had an exploratory surgery, and given my condition at that time, I had to make plans for my future, should something happen while I was in surgery. I completed a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) and also an ACD (Advanced Care Directive). I very clearly wrote out my wishes on how I was to be cared for after my death and if for any reason I were to become brain dead.

Harsh words, I know.

Anyways, coming to terms with death was hard at first, as I didn’t ever think it would happen, especially after I was labeled cancer-free and had multiple surgeries to insure I stay that way. I didn’t think it was an actual reality until that appointment in September 2016 and then again with my most recent specialist appointments. I filled out a brand new ACD during my wedding because there was no better time than the present.

I’ve had my total breakdown moments, where I can’t understand why any of this is happening. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life — starting a life with my husband and exploring the world. Some days I make really weird and inappropriate jokes about death, as that’s one of my coping mechanisms.

Other days, I’m completely content with this life I’ve been given.

Follow this journey on Living With CNKD.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo by lolostock

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Cervical Cancer

Model’s Revealing Photo Could Help Save Women’s Lives

Warning: Some may consider the image below to be graphic.  Saturday marks the last day of Cervical Cancer Prevention Week (January 24-30). Every year in the U.K., more than 3,000 women will be diagnosed with cervical cancer, making it the most common cancer in women aged 35 and under, according to Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust. In the U.S., an estimated 12,900 women [...]

To the Caregivers Who Try to Be Strong Enough for the Both of Us

Halfway through my sophomore year of college, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I spent that spring and summer in doctors’ offices and hospitals and bed. My family and friends spent that spring and summer right by my side. For months, I was unable to walk on my own; I lost parts of my vision; I couldn’t sleep [...]
A man laughing and holding a small boy in his arms

The Truth About Being a Cancer Survivor That's Not Often Talked About

People always tell me I’m “brave” for being so happy and positive through my journey. They admire how I’ve adapted and grown through my experience to be this guy who could logic his way through any challenge. Sure, I may often end up or come off as happy, positive and cheery in the face of [...]

When People in a Waiting Room Changed My Image of Cancer Patients

I am sitting in my gynecologist’s office lobby, right leg nervously shaking, eyes never leaving the design on the floor. A few days earlier, a CT scan showed a mass on my uterus. I had the report sitting in a white envelope next to me. The radiologist stated on the report something in doctor language that basically translated [...]