This Summer, Depression Won't Win Again

Everyone is usually so excited for summer. Warm days, pool parties and the occasional adventure. But these are the things I fear most while struggling with depression in the summer.

Summer means warmer weather, which realistically means less clothing. I hate showing my body. I am not the tiniest girl, but I have gained weight and now I hate showing myself outside my home. I fear judgement, not of others, but myself. I hate looking in the mirror and wanting to look like anything but myself. Depression wins again.

In the summer, girls typically wear tank tops and shorts, but I wear leggings and baggy t-shirts to hide my thighs and my stomach. I don’t dare go swimming for the simply because I would have to wear a bathing suit. I am so uncomfortable with my body. I can’t remember the last time I tried on a bathing suit and smiled back at the person in the mirror. Depression wins again.

I fear adventures and not knowing where I will end up or who I will meet along the way. Long walks make me cringe because I get nervous about crossing paths with a really “fit” girl that will unconsciously make me hate myself. Depression wins again.

Summer may be warm and school free, but for me, it means just another day I have to fight my mental health all over again, only this time around, I can’t hide myself behind my clothes.

 But this summer, depression will not win again.

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