What I Wish You Knew About My Borderline Personality Disorder
To the ones I love,
I wish you knew how I long to be emotionally stable, to not question your love for me. To not be so hot and cold. Each morning, I wake up wishing my emotions somehow magically regulated overnight and I wouldn’t struggle all day to remain levelheaded. Hurting you hurts me and when I promise to do better, I really mean it. Yet, I know I will hurt you again and we’ll continue cycling around. I want to think rationally, but when those moments of intense emotion hit, I feel powerless. Powerless to control them, and suddenly words spew out of my mouth and the volcano erupts within me. The next thing I know, it’s too late and suddenly I’m asking for forgiveness once again.
To the ones I love; please don’t change plans on me last minute, but please forgive me if I do it to you. Handling sudden changes sends my brain into a downward spiral and I can’t bounce back. If I change them last minute on you, know it’s not you; it’s me. My emotions overwhelm me and if I cancel on you, it’s because I don’t want to wind up being rude or remaining stuck in my mind the whole time we’re together. I need to break away, to settle myself. It’s not because I don’t love you that I do this — it’s because I do love you, and I want to save you from myself.
To the ones I love, you know this is not what I want. I didn’t ask for this. For this life-sucking disorder. Please be patient with me. Please listen to me when I talk, even if you feel what I’m sharing is an overdramatization. In my mind, it’s not. It’s what I feel in that minute and while my feelings could flip-flop with only a moment’s notice, I need you to recognize and validate me. To reassure me that how I’m feeling is OK and that it’s not always real. Remind me I can work through this. Do it gently. I can’t stand the thought of disappointing those I love, so I will make every effort to avoid doing so. When I do disappoint you, please don’t make it known to me. I’m doing the best I can. I need you to believe in me.
To the ones I love, please don’t leave me. I am trusting you to stick it out with me because if being around me stresses you out, imagine how being me feels. I am fiercely loyal. I won’t leave you. I may threaten to, but it’s because I need the reassurance you won’t go away. I know asking the same question over and over again will do the opposite of what I want. It will drive you away. But I can’t live without the reassurance you won’t go. For my own peace of mind, I ask you just keep reassuring me until I fully believe it. Once again, it’s not you; it’s me. I want to trust you, but it’s hard.
To the ones I love, please know this diagnosis doesn’t define me, even though I spend half the day believing it does. I am working towards controlling my feelings instead of the other way around. With time, I know I can do it. I am more than my disorder.
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Thinkstock photo via TatyanaGl