What I Wish You Knew About My Borderline Personality Disorder
To the ones I love,
I wish you knew how I long to be emotionally stable, to not question your love for me. To not be so hot and cold. Each morning, I wake up wishing my emotions somehow magically regulated overnight and I wouldn’t struggle all day to remain levelheaded. Hurting you hurts me and when I promise to do better, I really mean it. Yet, I know I will hurt you again and we’ll continue cycling around. I want to think rationally, but when those moments of intense emotion hit, I feel powerless. Powerless to control them, and suddenly words spew out of my mouth and the volcano erupts within me. The next thing I know, it’s too late and suddenly I’m asking for forgiveness once again.
To the ones I love; please don’t change plans on me last minute, but please forgive me if I do it to you. Handling sudden changes sends my brain into a downward spiral and I can’t bounce back. If I change them last minute on you, know it’s not you; it’s me. My emotions overwhelm me and if I cancel on you, it’s because I don’t want to wind up being rude or remaining stuck in my mind the whole time we’re together. I need to break away, to settle myself. It’s not because I don’t love you that I do this — it’s because I do love you, and I want to save you from myself.
To the ones I love, you know this is not what I want. I didn’t ask for this. For this life-sucking disorder. Please be patient with me. Please listen to me when I talk, even if you feel what I’m sharing is an overdramatization. In my mind, it’s not. It’s what I feel in that minute and while my feelings could flip-flop with only a moment’s notice, I need you to recognize and validate me. To reassure me that how I’m feeling is OK and that it’s not always real. Remind me I can work through this. Do it gently. I can’t stand the thought of disappointing those I love, so I will make every effort to avoid doing so. When I do disappoint you, please don’t make it known to me. I’m doing the best I can. I need you to believe in me.
To the ones I love, please don’t leave me. I am trusting you to stick it out with me because if being around me stresses you out, imagine how being me feels. I am fiercely loyal. I won’t leave you. I may threaten to, but it’s because I need the reassurance you won’t go away. I know asking the same question over and over again will do the opposite of what I want. It will drive you away. But I can’t live without the reassurance you won’t go. For my own peace of mind, I ask you just keep reassuring me until I fully believe it. Once again, it’s not you; it’s me. I want to trust you, but it’s hard.
To the ones I love, please know this diagnosis doesn’t define me, even though I spend half the day believing it does. I am working towards controlling my feelings instead of the other way around. With time, I know I can do it. I am more than my disorder.
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Thinkstock photo via TatyanaGl
I'm a Disney loving, highly passionate, strong feeling, twenty five year old individual whose desire is to share my story. My hope is that it will help people understand more of what it is like to live with mental illnesses and to show others they're not alone.
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