Read This When You Feel Alone With Your Depression


Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

A line of pills.

I count them twice. I then calculate how many I’d have to take in order to not wake up. The deeper I go down my depression the more I wonder why the hell I’m still here. The pills that are supposed to make me feel better can only work if I believe they do. I had stopped believing in their powers weeks ago, but I don’t want to tell anyone that.

Every day I wake up and I think to myself, “Fuck.” I don’t want to wake up anymore and still be trapped in a mind that’s so sick it is literally calculating how many pills it would take to overdose. I don’t want to be that burden on my friends and family who even though they say I’m not draining them, I am. I can see it’s not only emotionally grueling, but it’s physically and mentally exhausting trying to convince someone they’re OK.

I never used to be this person. The one who counts the hours until they can be alone again. The one who does not want to have any conversations with anyone anymore. The one who doesn’t want to get her sad all over everyone else. Unfortunately, this is my cross to bear and explaining it to people who don’t get it becomes a task I no longer want to partake in.

I thought I was alone in my depression. I thought no one else could understand exactly what I was going through until I started talking about it. I started to do the things I didn’t want to do and admit my demons. I didn’t want people to think about the things that go on in my head as crazy but I, myself, thought I was crazy. I thought that having invisible angry self-hatred conversations with myself would dub me insane until I found out there are people out there just like me.

The second I started opening up to people, they started opening up to me. I heard about struggles from people I had always assumed had it together. I started to realize that even when people think everything is going well for others, that often times we’re wrong. Society convinces us that being weak and expressing vulnerabilities is a bad thing. It’s really not.

 

I wake up most days wondering why I’m still here. What could I possibly offer the world people whose lives were taken too short couldn’t? I still don’t know the answer to that. I don’t know if my pain and anguish will lead to something good or to my own demise. I don’t know if I’ll get through the day without counting my pills and instead of taking just one, take the whole bottle.

The thing is though that I am still here. I am still here and have a purpose, just like you.

Even though you don’t know where you’re heading or what life has in store for you, you’re still here. Are you struggling? Absolutely. Do you pretend your depression isn’t a part of you? Most days. Do you even really remember the last time you were truly happy? Not really.

So you get through the day based on what little faith you have left. At least that’s what I do. Even though I’m completely bruised. I’m completely defeated. There’s still a part of me that has faith in something bigger than myself. I don’t know what it is and I’m not here to convince you to believe in something you don’t.

All I do know is this: you are bigger than your depression. You are bigger than whatever the fuck has got you down. You have made it through all of your bad days and you are a fighter. Anyone who manages to wake up another day and battle through life is a warrior.

So talk about it. Talk about your struggles. Tell people. You will connect with other humans on a level you didn’t know existed. We all go through pain but if you can keep the faith you will prevail.

This piece originally appeared on Thought Catalog.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Thinkstock photo via Olarty


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Depression

young girl

What an Unexpected Visitor at the Psych Ward Taught Me About Human Interaction

I have a story to share. It’s about the power of our individual existence — the power of people. I was born in May, 18 years ago. But last year, at the end of May, I was in the hospital because I had decided I did not want to continue to be alive. The days [...]
woman looking out window

5 Practices That Have Helped Me Get Through Seasonal Depression

After being diagnosed with major depressive disorder with a seasonal pattern, my therapist suggested scheduling an appointment with a psychiatrist to explore the possibility of going on medication. I reflected on the struggles of everyone I knew personally who had taken medication for depression and decided to try every possible treatment before embarking on the long and sometimes very difficult journey that [...]

The Mantra That Gives Me Hope as a Christian With Anxiety and Depression

For me, starting college meant starting with a clean slate. No one here knew my past. No one here knew what they “should” expect me to be. No one had to know any of it. In college, I started going to church again. It had been a source of peace and happiness for me in the past, [...]
A young girl reading a book under the covers with a flashlight

What My 'Pillow Forts' Look Like Now as an Adult With Depression

Do you remember building pillow forts? You’d construct this fluffy castle of pillows and sheets and any blanket your mom hadn’t hidden yet? You could enter through a little slit between the sheets, and there was always, always a password. I’m 31 years old and still building pillow forts of my own these days. I crawl back [...]