Dear Self, I Know It's Hard Struggling With Depression
I know it’s hard. It’s hard to put your feelings into the proper words to be able to describe how empty, numb and alone you feel. I know that you struggle with depression. I know it’s not what you think of as the stereotypical self-harm. I know that doesn’t make it any less real. I know you feel like there is no hope. I know you constantly have suicidal thoughts, but you aren’t able to go through with them. I know you feel like if you die, the world will still go on, the stars will still twinkle, the moon will still appear, the sun will still shine and the birds will still chirp.
I know you don’t want the sympathy of others, and that’s why you don’t talk to them about it. I know you aren’t looking for attention. I know that in a half of a second it can hit you so hard. I know that you feel like your chest is being pushed in so hard that you lose your breath.
I know how hard you try to fight back your tears every moment of the day. I know that you envy those who don’t need to take medication to improve their mood. I know you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. I know that everyone expects you to be strong. I know that when someone asks, “How are you doing today?” You constantly lie and reply with, “I’m good, how are you?”
I know that you wish you could really reply with, “I’m not OK.” But I know that even if you did, you don’t want to be looked at like you’re “crazy.” I know that this isn’t just a “phase.” I know that it’s not just “in your head.” I know that “thinking positive” doesn’t change anything. I know that “praying” won’t fix things. I know that “this will pass” is just a saying, because it won’t actually pass. I know that you can’t remember the last time you didn’t feel like this. I know that you go to work and smile so you aren’t constantly bombarded with questions. I know that if you didn’t have to talk at work, you wouldn’t. I know you feel worthless, like you’ll never be enough, like you’re constantly alone even in a crowded room.
But what I want you to know is that you’re not alone. You have me. I will never judge you. I will always support you. I will always listen to your heartache. It’s OK to not be OK.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.
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Unsplash photo via James Bak