Why My 'Messy Bun' Means I'm Struggling With Depression


When you picture depression, what do you see? My guess would be you picture a girl crying herself to sleep or sobbing in her bathroom.

If you’re in a room with other people, take a look around at how others look for just a second. What you probably saw was a bunch of random people, completely ordinary.

Look again. Look deeper.

For me, my external appearance is a dead giveaway that I have depression.

My hair is in a messy bun every day. Not because I find the hairstyle particularly attractive, but just because I can’t force myself to do anything else with it.

Sweatshirts are an everyday part of my wardrobe. Once again, not because I find them attractive, but only because my expectation going into every day is that it will be bad. When the inevitable happens, I feel most comforted wrapped up in my worn out Duke sweatshirt.

Look at my eyes. Not my actual eyes. I’m talking about the clumps of concealer underneath. Upon first glance you probably wouldn’t notice them, but to me, they are a constant reminder of the fact I was up all night crying.

Poking out of my boots are most often fuzzy socks. Yes they are more comfortable, but they are also a reminder of what’s to come. If I can just bite my tongue and get through the day, I get to go home. It’s my little piece of heaven.

Unless you have experienced depression, you may never pick up on these signs. But I promise you, there is always someone struggling. There is always someone who feels like they aren’t enough. Will you be the one to look deeper and really listen to what they are trying to say?

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Unsplash photo via Ravi Roshan.


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