What I Want My Best Friend to Know About My Borderline Personality Disorder
To my best friend,
I’ve always apologized too much for things that were never my fault. I’m tempted to do it again here. But instead of apologizing for burdening you, I’ll say thank you. Thank you for sticking with me, even when my personality is affected by an illness — borderline personality disorder (BPD) — I don’t yet understand.
I get really, really scared you will leave me, and for some reason, that thought becomes a life or death fear. My brain takes the smallest interactions and uses them to convince me that I have done something wrong and that you hate me. I tear myself apart for being such a bad friend and prepare for the rejection by isolating myself from you.
When I try to convince myself that these fears aren’t true, I need a lot of help. Your help can be as simple as just talking to me — just reminding me you don’t hate me and I am still loved. I know I need a lot of validation from you in those times and I know it comes off as clinginess. I hate knowing I’m clingy. But I also know I’m working really hard to get better at validating myself. I am in the process of discovering my own value outside of others. Sometimes I need a little help though, so please be patient with me. I know you will.
I know it is not easy to be my friend. I make irrational mistakes, I say things that make you uncomfortable, I crave your attention, I get angry easily, I have poor self-control, I can be hurtful and I’ve given you more than one scare with my own self-destruction.
But after all of this, you still love me. You listen to me, you talk to me, you forgive me, you make me feel I’m still a worthwhile person. And even when I’m beyond reach, you always, always try.
Thank you. There aren’t enough words to say thank you. You aren’t tied to me like my family — you could throw me off anytime — but you keep loving me.
I’ve said I’m sorry a thousand times, but you deserve more than a weak apology.
So no more sorry.
Just thank you.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.
We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.
Photo by Jorge Flores on Unsplash