What I Need When I Tell You I'm Struggling With Anxiety Right Now
I am bold. I am goofy. I will spin around, dance and laugh. I will sing along to the music. I enjoy seeing new places and trying new things. I want to pass on kindness and love to everyone I meet.
But that’s not how people know me. Most people meet a shy, timid girl. One who barely talks, who avoids people and new things. Who hides behind her friends, shaking and terrified.
If you’ve met the first person I described, you are one of the lucky few.
I have anxiety. There’s a voice in my head that I can’t escape, who changes who I am as a person.
In my head is a voice telling me I am not good enough, I have never been good enough and I will never be good enough. This voice in my head tells me people do not like who I am. This voice makes me cower and hide. This voice inside my head reminds me daily that I annoy everyone and they really don’t want me in their lives. This small voice makes me believe I am nothing. How can I be who I am if I have to battle a demon inside my head who tells me everyone hates who I am and wishes I would go away?
I am constantly fighting this voice in my head, but it’s not an easy battle. At times I am tucked away from the world, wishing to just disappear so I don’t feel alone. The darkness, the fear, the loneliness and the isolation can creep into my mind so silently I don’t realize I’ve lost the fight until it’s too late. Sometimes I collapse to the ground as my body is taken over by uncontrollable anxiety. Why can I not overcome a voice that isn’t real? Why do I not believe I am loved? Why can’t I love myself?
I rarely ask for help, but I ask for it now in hopes that the next time you see me you remember. When you see me out and about and I look nervous or scared. If I am hanging back and hiding, know that it is that voice in my head telling me to disappear and go away. It is that voice telling me I am alone. I am fighting it, but sometimes I am not enough. That is when I need you. I need you to come hold my shaking hand, to whisper in my ear that I am not alone and it will be OK. I need you to rest your hand on my shoulder and guide me away from that voice that says the world would be better without me. I need you to hug me and remind me that I am loved. When I get quiet and reserved is when I need you most, but because of my anxiety, that voice has convinced me I should never ask for help and to just run away and hide.
So I am asking for help now, while I am winning the battle against this voice in my head. I am asking for your help while I can, in hopes that when I can’t ask for it that you will be there.
I have anxiety. I often feel lost and in this world. The only way I can get through this is with your help. Please help.
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