What I Tell Myself on Tough Days as a Mother With Depression

One day at a time.

One day at a time.

This is what I tell myself over and over. Does it help? Not really. Has it become my way of tricking myself into believing I’ll be OK? Absolutely.

I try so hard to stay on top of this illness. I tell myself I can do it. Hell, I’ve been doing it half my life already, I know I’ve got this. I’ll keep taking my meds every single day. I’ll avoid situations that make me feel unhappy or anxious. I’ll surround myself with people who love me and uplift me. And then bang. It smashes into me like a tidal wave. It hits me so hard. Sometimes I feel it coming. It creeps up slowly over a few days or maybe even a week or two.

I start slowing down. I start losing motivation. I start avoiding people and become quiet. I can feel it now. A lump in my throat. I sit and try to smile when my son looks up at me from where he is happily playing. I never want him to see me like this. My head spins as I look at the clock and count how many more hours I have to make it through the day until I can retreat to the safety of my bed. My head spins as it tells me I am ungrateful. What do I have to be depressed for? I have a loving husband, a beautiful son, family and friends. I have a pretty amazing life. And I know that. But my depression doesn’t seem to care for that at all. It tells me to give up, you’re never going to beat me, you’ll never win. Some days I truly believe that is the case. Some days I am so bloody sick of fighting.

But I have gotten this far. I will get further. I will take one day at a time. I will take my medication every day. I will fight this to the very end.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo via MarinaZg

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Depression

Hand drawn illustration of young girl growing roots like a tree

When It Takes Years to Admit You're a 'High-Functioning' Depressive

I’m 31 years old. I’m in recovery. Nope, I’m not an alcoholic. And no, I don’t have a problem with drugs. My ailment? I’ve spent the past 16 or so years as a self-denying, “high-functioning” depressive. For 16 years I battled, to varying degrees, in silence. Not literally. I’ve cried. Lord I’ve cried! Hell, I’ve [...]
illustration from out of the woods by brent williams and Korkut Öztekin

How Journal Writing Helped Me Get Out of Depression

I lay in bed after yet another long troubled night’s sleep – utterly exhausted, lacking all motivation. A few feet away sat a school notebook. It felt unreachable, but somehow a small spark in my brain thought it was worth trying. I reached out, picked up my pen and started to write. I wrote how [...]
woman cries for love

When You're Too 'Put Together' to Have a Mental Illness

More people than I can count have told me I am too “put together” to have anxiety and depression. They act as though the fact that I am in graduate school indicates my mental health is fine. Because it’s never “prevented me from doing what I love.” Anxiety and depression have never “held me back.” What they don’t see though [...]

When You're Told to 'Pray the Depression Away'

I go to a wonderful school. I really do. I love the people, I love the teachers, but as a whole, my school lacks the most basic understanding of depression. When I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), I looked to the people at my school for comfort. I wasn’t expecting [...]