When Anxiety and Depression Are Always With You
I wake up.
I have stuff to do. I try to get out of bed, but I just can’t.
I know there will be repercussions if I don’t go to school, to work, or whatever it is I have to do that day.
But my depression is glue, and I’m stuck.
At the same time, my anxiety is nagging me. Telling me how I’ll be a failure if I don’t show up. Telling myself others will see me as a lazy, worthless part of the team.
But what wins?
The glue, or the fear of not being good enough?
Sometimes the glue, sometimes the fear, sometimes both.
I wake up three hours later, late for work.
I’ve finally found the strength and mental willpower to get up and out of bed.
I rush to get dressed, but my rush is still slow. I know I’ve lost my morning battle, and this sets me up to lose the rest of the day.
I drive to work. Panicking.
“I need the money, but I can’t face anyone today,” I tell myself over and over and over again.
I pull into work, afraid of every interaction I’m going to make today.
“Where have you been? You look tired,” a coworker asks.
I tell them I didn’t sleep well.
But I’m not a regular tired. I’m not “normal person tired.”
I’m tired of being tired. Tired of constantly not being in control of my own thoughts, my own mind. I’m tired, I’m tired of feeling alone.
But I just fake a smile, tell them I had a late night and go about my own business.
Until I start questioning what I said in the conversation.
“Did I say something wrong?”
“Could I have said something else?”
“Do they know what’s going on in this twisted mind of mine?”
But of course they don’t. No one sees it. No one knows, because this is something I keep to myself, right?
My work day is long and miserable. The feud I have no control of that’s going on inside my own head has drained me, even though I’ve been drained for what very well could be months now.
It’s time to clock out.
I realize I haven’t eaten all day, but I don’t even have the energy to eat.
I just want to go back to sleep.
But, here’s the kicker — I won’t sleep.
I won’t sleep for hours. Hours and hours and hours.
Every single interaction, every single word I say, every single detail of the day will replay in my head, over and over again.
My heart races. My palms get sweaty. I feel like I’m about to die. Alone. Isolated. Trapped in my own head.
This goes on all night until it’s time to face my morning battle and do it all over again.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
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Lead image via contributor