When Anxiety Makes You a Living Paradox
Anxiety comes with both mental and physical symptoms. I’m used to feeling a few of those daily: fast heartbeat, hard breathing, shaky hands, sweating, tiredness, sadness, loneliness, isolation.
But there is this one feeling I still don’t know how to handle: I feel confused all the time. I feel two opposite things at once and it leaves me irritated.
I feel sad one minute and happy the next.
I feel like I need to say sorry all the time, then start hating apologizing in general.
I feel like I need to explain my behavior to everyone, yet I’m sick of justifying myself every time.
I’m tired all day, but I can’t seem to sleep.
I overthink everything or nothing at all.
I’m being lazy, yet I’m ambitious.
I act like I don’t care about anything and anyone, but the truth is I care way too much.
I constantly hate my life and embrace it the next second.
I love myself, but I want to change everything about me.
I think I deserve all of this, then feel betrayed by life for being unfair to me.
I can’t deal with my feelings anymore, but I know I’m strong enough to keep fighting.
I think I’m probably making this illness up, but then I realize it’s there and it’s real.
I want to give up and keep going at the same time.
I feel like I’m getting better, then a feeling of me failing at everything comes along.
I want to die, but I’m glad I’m still here.
I want this illness to go away, but I’m scared of loosing a part of me.
I feel worthless at first, than feel like I’m enough the next minute.
I want to be left alone, but this loneliness is killing me.
I don’t want to go anywhere, yet I want to leave this room so badly.
I don’t want your help, but I also wish you would reach out your hand to help me up.
I hide my feelings and my anxiety, but shout it out to the world later on.
I crave attention, but reject it as soon as it comes my way.
I feel relieved for telling you about my mental illness, and regret it the next second.
I’m not anxious, but I am.
I’m OK, while not being OK.
I’m confused about this situation, but I know exactly wants going on.
I’m fighting myself.
Anxiety is fighting with reality, my illness is battling my personality; not caring about the damage they are all doing to me. I’m aware the battle between them is good, but I don’t know how to handle it and I don’t know if it will end one day, or how, because I still can’t tell which one will win. It’s scary and exhausting.
I’m a living paradox.
I still feel like this makes no sense at all and I’m scared that if I can’t figure myself out, no one else ever will.
We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.
Thinkstock photo via KatarzynaBialasiewicz