When Anxiety Makes You a Living Paradox

Anxiety comes with both mental and physical symptoms. I’m used to feeling a few of those daily: fast heartbeat, hard breathing, shaky hands, sweating, tiredness, sadness, loneliness, isolation.

But there is this one feeling I still don’t know how to handle: I feel confused all the time. I feel two opposite things at once and it leaves me irritated.

I feel sad one minute and happy the next.

I feel like I need to say sorry all the time, then start hating apologizing in general.

I feel like I need to explain my behavior to everyone, yet I’m sick of justifying myself every time.

I’m tired all day, but I can’t seem to sleep.

I overthink everything or nothing at all.

I’m being lazy, yet I’m ambitious.

I act like I don’t care about anything and anyone, but the truth is I care way too much.

I constantly hate my life and embrace it the next second.

I love myself, but I want to change everything about me.

I think I deserve all of this, then feel betrayed by life for being unfair to me.

I can’t deal with my feelings anymore, but I know I’m strong enough to keep fighting.

I think I’m probably making this illness up, but then I realize it’s there and it’s real.

I want to give up and keep going at the same time.

I feel like I’m getting better, then a feeling of me failing at everything comes along.

I want to die, but I’m glad I’m still here.

I want this illness to go away, but I’m scared of loosing a part of me.

I feel worthless at first, than feel like I’m enough the next minute.

I want to be left alone, but this loneliness is killing me.

I don’t want to go anywhere, yet I want to leave this room so badly.

I don’t want your help, but I also wish you would reach out your hand to help me up.

I hide my feelings and my anxiety, but shout it out to the world later on.

I crave attention, but reject it as soon as it comes my way.

I feel relieved for telling you about my mental illness, and regret it the next second.

I’m not anxious, but I am.

I’m OK, while not being OK.

I’m confused about this situation, but I know exactly wants going on.

I’m fighting myself.

Anxiety is fighting with reality, my illness is battling my personality; not caring about the damage they are all doing to me. I’m aware the battle between them is good, but I don’t know how to handle it and I don’t know if it will end one day, or how, because I still can’t tell which one will win. It’s scary and exhausting.

I’m a living paradox.

I still feel like this makes no sense at all and I’m scared that if I can’t figure myself out, no one else ever will.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo via KatarzynaBialasiewicz

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Anxiety

Medical students listening sitting at desk at the university

To the Medical Students Struggling With Mental Illness in Silence

With 25 percent of medical students being depressed, and only 15 percent of those with depression seeking treatment, it’s easy to feel alone. I, myself, am a medical student who has dealt with anxiety and depression for the past four years. Depression is termed the “open secret” of medicine, and some even believe it to [...]
girl mostly in darkness beside city lights

Why We Need to Treat Anxiety Like Any Other Illness

Anxiety isn’t just being nervous for a test. Anxiety can corrupt your life, controlling every aspect. It makes rational things seem irrational, as if there is no way you can let them happen or else horrific consequences will happen. It’s certain — there are no explanations, no reasoning, other than worry overruling everything. It is overthinking every, little, thing, until [...]
A messy bed

Why a Messy Bed Can Ruin My Whole Day

In that moment, when she told me it was ridiculous for me to get upset when my children messed up my bedding, I was hurt. I felt a ping in my chest because I actually do need my bedding to be a certain way on my mattress. When it gets messed up, it irritates me. [...]
blonde woman lying on bed reading book

6 Healthy Ways to Self-Soothe Anxiety

Whether you’ve been diagnosed with a mental health disorder or you’re going through a temporary rough patch, anxiety can be absolutely debilitating. Interacting with others becomes an annoying, sweaty, shaky-handed hell. You might have trouble making eye contact, you overthink every word, your throat constricts, you can’t breathe, your ears are ringing and you are terrified you’re [...]