When You're Afraid of Mental Health Recovery

I’m scared.

I’m scared of going to the therapist or talking about my mental health issues.

I’m scared of showing the sadness inside of me because it’s going to become real and painful as soon as I make it a topic. I’m afraid of becoming vulnerable.

I’m scared of recovering, terrified of losing the comfort the darkness and loneliness gave me. It became familiar because it was always there, and I don’t know if I want to give it up. Maybe I was supposed to be this way.

I’m scared of the change recovery is going to bring me, because I have no idea how to deal with it. I’ve gotten so used to this chaos in my life and the mess in my head, that I’m afraid I will miss it.

I’m scared of myself, frightened by the thought of changing: am I still going to be myself? Would this be a good or a bad thing? The “me” with multiple mental illnesses is everything I have ever known, yet I don’t want to be like this any more. I want it to go away, but I’m scared of what’s going to be left of me.

I’m scared of nothing changing too — I’m afraid I will end up wasting everyone’s time with my problems, and still be alone, because no one can save me from myself.

I’m scared of asking for help, because the person may not be able to help me in the end, and I can’t deal with another failure in my life.

I’m scared of trying because I feel like I can’t.

I’m scared of not getting better, no matter what. Frightened by the thought of being stuck like this forever. Afraid of the monster I will eventually become.

Because there is this small chance of falling more and more apart, I’m unable to make a move.

But I realized the fear won’t go away.

I was scared, I’m still scared, I will always be scared.

So I have to do it afraid.

I want to recover. I want to manage my symptoms and not let them control me.

I’m going to try no matter how hard I will fall, how long it will take or how many demons want to stop me.

I know what the darkness looks like, so just for once I want to see the light.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Getty Images photo via jarino47

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Mental Health

Blonde woman drinking coffee.

When Mental Illness Makes It Hard Not to Be in Control

I live with depression, an eating disorder and anxiety, and I appreciate when I can keep things under control. Even if it’s just a simple thing, like locking the door as soon as I leave home. Every morning I have the same routine, making sure everything is in place and sorted before I head to work. [...]
televangelist pat robertson

Why This Televangelist's Comments About Mental Health and the Texas Shooting Are So Problematic

Sometimes the news isn’t as straightforward as it’s made to seem. Juliette Virzi, The Mighty’s Associate Mental Health Editor, explains what to keep in mind if you see this topic or similar stories in your newsfeed. This is The Mighty Takeaway.  On Monday’s episode of “The 700 Club,” a talkshow on the Christian Broadcasting Network, televangelist and host Pat [...]
person stands with their head down in a cloud of smoke

To Those Who Choose Not to Openly Share Their Mental Health Struggles

Due to the silence, shame and secrecy that has commonly surrounded mental illness for centuries, a new movement  is emerging, focused on publicly sharing our struggles, which is both helpful and good. I fully support bringing these struggles into the light and removing the shame and stigma attached to them. It is an important step [...]
man stands at the end of a dock surrounded by water and the sunset

44 Unexpected Coping Techniques for When Mental Illness Feels Like Too Much

Managing symptoms of mental illness can be incredibly challenging, especially if you’re caught up in the chaos of life. Sure, a bubble bath sounds like a nice way to soothe myself from the powerful emotions I’m feeling, but what if I don’t have the motivation to clean the tub? All the doctors I’ve been to [...]