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When You're Afraid of Mental Health Recovery

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I’m scared.

I’m scared of going to the therapist or talking about my mental health issues.

I’m scared of showing the sadness inside of me because it’s going to become real and painful as soon as I make it a topic. I’m afraid of becoming vulnerable.

I’m scared of recovering, terrified of losing the comfort the darkness and loneliness gave me. It became familiar because it was always there, and I don’t know if I want to give it up. Maybe I was supposed to be this way.

I’m scared of the change recovery is going to bring me, because I have no idea how to deal with it. I’ve gotten so used to this chaos in my life and the mess in my head, that I’m afraid I will miss it.

I’m scared of myself, frightened by the thought of changing: am I still going to be myself? Would this be a good or a bad thing? The “me” with multiple mental illnesses is everything I have ever known, yet I don’t want to be like this any more. I want it to go away, but I’m scared of what’s going to be left of me.

I’m scared of nothing changing too — I’m afraid I will end up wasting everyone’s time with my problems, and still be alone, because no one can save me from myself.

I’m scared of asking for help, because the person may not be able to help me in the end, and I can’t deal with another failure in my life.

I’m scared of trying because I feel like I can’t.

I’m scared of not getting better, no matter what. Frightened by the thought of being stuck like this forever. Afraid of the monster I will eventually become.

Because there is this small chance of falling more and more apart, I’m unable to make a move.

But I realized the fear won’t go away.

I was scared, I’m still scared, I will always be scared.

So I have to do it afraid.

I want to recover. I want to manage my symptoms and not let them control me.

I’m going to try no matter how hard I will fall, how long it will take or how many demons want to stop me.

I know what the darkness looks like, so just for once I want to see the light.

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Getty Images photo via jarino47

Originally published: November 21, 2017
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