Why I Fear I'm Letting People Down Because of My Illnesses

I’ve had fibromyalgia, digestive issues, anxiety and depression, for years. I can trace back to middle school, sitting against the wall in the fetal position because of how bad my stomach hurt. Or high school, when I couldn’t face the day. I couldn’t comprehend how going to school that day would be OK. I couldn’t move, I just couldn’t get up. I can think back more recently to having a nervous break down because my boyfriend went away for the weekend and lost cell phone service, I couldn’t reach him at all. The anxiety of not being able to make sure he’s OK or where we was, was enough for me to have a full mental breakdown…tears, hyperventilating, shaking, even throwing up. After this episode, the shame I felt led me to dig into my arm as far as I could bear it.

This has been my life for longer than I can remember. I can’t pinpoint where everything began. I’ve been to countless doctors over the years desperate for an answer that didn’t end with “unfortunately we can’t do much more about this.” If I had a dollar for every time I heard that phrase, I’d be rich. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still cling to hope that someone will have a way to help me. But I’ve also had to acknowledge that this is my life, this is how it is, was, and will be.

I look forward to getting married, going to nursing school, being a nurse, having kids. But the fear I have thinking about these things is dibilitating. How can I be a nurse when I’m constantly in pain? Or nauseas? Or even sometimes when I feel unsteady on my feet? How can raise kids when I can’t even motivate my self to take a shower? Or how can I contribute to a marriage when I am constantly in pain and anxious and struggling to eat?

I fear letting people down. My future husband, my bosses, my potential children, and family. I constantly have to be reassured that I haven’t let my boyfriend down when I barely talk and keep falling asleep during the few hours we get together after work. I constantly have to be reassured by my family that I haven’t let them down when I couldn’t go to my niece’s dance recital because I was in too much pain and had a migraine from the bulging discs in my neck. I’ve bailed on friends far too many times, because I couldn’t bear the thought of have to get up and go out, no motivation, anxiety about how I’ll feel while I’m out.

I should be reassured by my faith in Jesus Christ. That I believe that everything I go through, everything I struggle with, it’s all His plan, and His plans are not to harm. But being perfectly honest, it’s a struggle for me to feel reassured this way. On a “good” day, I see things differently. And I know by the grace of God, the support and love from my boyfriend, and the endless love and support from my family, especially my mom, is how I get through it all. I know they’ve all got my back, regardless of the hell I put them through sometimes, and I know God’s hand is always upon me – even when I don’t feel like it is.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock Image By: LittleBee80

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Fibromyalgia

black and white photo of a man sitting outside

Struggling Through the Waves of Pain From Fibromyalgia

“What’s it like?” “Pain. It comes in waves. You feel helpless. You can’t fight it. It becomes about making it to the other side, shrinking your world down to one fine point. When that wave melts away, you feel relief. Just for a moment, till it comes back to remind you.” – “Constantine,” Series 1, [...]
A side profile of a woman laying down, wearing a facial mask.

The Importance of Occasionally Getting Pampered When You're Ill

Everybody loves to be pampered. It’s a time to relax, let someone take care of your hair, nails, and/or skin, and unwind. But having a chronic illness means that sometimes I simply don’t have the energy to make a cup of tea, let alone go to the salon. Having a chronic illness means knowing your [...]
A photo of the giver and receiver sitting together, talking.

The Scene in 'The Giver' That Relates to Life With a Chronic Illness

Have you ever wondered what would be the best way for someone to understand the pain and fatigue that comes from a chronic health condition? After I saw “The Giver,” I had my answer. For anyone who’s seen that movie, I’m talking about the part when the “Receiver” meets the “Giver” and he shares memories [...]
woman lying on bed

When Living With Fibromyalgia Means Constantly Waiting

There are many things that change in the life of a fibromyalgia warrior. One of them is less likely to be on the symptom hot list but it is no less difficult to manage. Waiting. if(typeof(jQuery)=="function"){(function($){$.fn.fitVids=function(){}})(jQuery)}; jwplayer('jwplayer_oLDVhMB0_F962XJnx_div').setup( {"playlist":"https:\/\/content.jwplatform.com\/feeds\/oLDVhMB0.json","ph":2} );   We wait for a better pain day, a better pain time and a better pain [...]