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What I Miss About Life Before Lupus

Today is one of those days I miss my old life. I miss waking up and not having to take pills. I miss not having to loosen up my muscles in the morning, just getting up and going. I miss having energy. I miss not being nauseated. I miss eating whatever I want, without fear for it bringing on a flare. I miss not being resentful. I miss being happy. I miss feeling in control. I miss remembering everything. I miss not having brain fog. I miss not being paranoid of anything that could affect everything about me. I miss walking without a limp. I miss not having to rest after everything.

I miss my hair, long and beautiful, now cut to a pixie. I miss my skin, now rashing from lotions, itching during flares. I miss my hands, now swollen and puffy from pain. I miss my teeth, now deteriorating from all the meds. I miss my eyes, dry and exhausted.

I miss just having a glass of wine. I miss having that glass of wine with friends. I miss just spending time with my friends. I miss my friends altogether. I miss the outdoors, in the sun. I miss playing in the snow.  I miss going for walks with my son. I miss being able to pick up my child’s toys, or picking him up. I miss not having to remind my son that Mommy hurts, so please don;t climb on me like every 3-year-old wants. I miss my husband not being afraid of me. I miss not flinching when my husband touches me. I miss being held, and not feeling my skin crawl. I miss being able to be the wife I used to be.

I miss letting people in, for fear they will just leave me. I miss being looked at like I was dependable. I miss being invited to do things, and I go. I miss sincerely smiling. I miss being me. I miss not being defined by lupus. I miss lupus not being the center of everything I do. I miss me.

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Thinkstock photo via Mary Jirovaya.