Today is one of those days I miss my old life. I miss waking up and not having to take pills. I miss not having to loosen up my muscles in the morning, just getting up and going. I miss having energy. I miss not being nauseated. I miss eating whatever I want, without fear for it bringing on a flare. I miss not being resentful. I miss being happy. I miss feeling in control. I miss remembering everything. I miss not having brain fog. I miss not being paranoid of anything that could affect everything about me. I miss walking without a limp. I miss not having to rest after everything.
I miss my hair, long and beautiful, now cut to a pixie. I miss my skin, now rashing from lotions, itching during flares. I miss my hands, now swollen and puffy from pain. I miss my teeth, now deteriorating from all the meds. I miss my eyes, dry and exhausted.
I miss just having a glass of wine. I miss having that glass of wine with friends. I miss just spending time with my friends. I miss my friends altogether. I miss the outdoors, in the sun. I miss playing in the snow. I miss going for walks with my son. I miss being able to pick up my child’s toys, or picking him up. I miss not having to remind my son that Mommy hurts, so please don;t climb on me like every 3-year-old wants. I miss my husband not being afraid of me. I miss not flinching when my husband touches me. I miss being held, and not feeling my skin crawl. I miss being able to be the wife I used to be.
I miss letting people in, for fear they will just leave me. I miss being looked at like I was dependable. I miss being invited to do things, and I go. I miss sincerely smiling. I miss being me. I miss not being defined by lupus. I miss lupus not being the center of everything I do. I miss me.
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Thinkstock photo via Mary Jirovaya.
Marisa is in her early 40's and writes about the struggles to work and raise a small family while battling with the everyday struggles of Chronic Illness and the mental ups and downs that can come along with it. She is surviving Systematic Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Anxiety and Panic Attacks, Hypothyroidism, and Reynauds Syndrome and writes first hand on how she deals with issues that come along with these diseases.
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