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The Roller-Coaster of Reaching a Borderline Personality Disorder Diagnosis

Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

I’m not the ringmaster of my own show. People come to watch simply because there isn’t one. Some are mesmerized and stay, like watching a train wreck — you can’t look away. Some can’t stomach it and leave, like “OMG I can’t watch her ruin her life anymore.” I call after them, “but you paid for this ticket! Don’t abandon me up here all alone.” Those who stay just find these new emotions as an exciting reason to toss back some more popcorn.

This has been my life for years; I have known for years that something is wrong. First I blamed everyone else who hurt me and walked away… but the past four months, I’ve been thinking something isn’t right with me. It’s not healthy to continually have failed relationships, no ability to work regularly, have every emotion a million times a day, feel so empty all the time, think of suicide at least once a day nearly every day… and my pattern of sexual promiscuity. “Normal” people don’t behave this way or feel like this. However, as I approach 30, I’ve finally reached a correct diagnosis just yesterday: borderline personality disorder (BPD). Fifteen years ago, I was incorrectly diagnosed with depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Just last week, prior to seeing the psychiatrist yesterday, I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder I.

What a wild ride getting here, I’ll tell you what.

Roller-coasters all my life with not much to show for my struggle… because if I could harness all that energy, I’d be rich. My reaction to learning my diagnosis? Numb, with intermittent crying and thinking everyone would be better off without me. Of course, I won’t give in. My next steps are medication and therapy. I need relief so bad. I feel like I’m drowning and no one is reaching down to save me.

Those I’ve told have offered love and support….but I swear, this BPD clown who lives inside me… well, he wears sad makeup, isolates himself and is the most cynical person any of my friends and family will ever meet. He just doesn’t think they need the stress of his existence.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

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Getty Images photo via Dreamerjl83