I Refuse to Be a Prisoner to the Childhood Abuse of My Past
Today, I refuse to be a prisoner to my past. I have been fortunate in that I have managed to accomplish a lot in spite of growing up in a home where I was not loved and abused on a daily basis.
I am fortunate to have accomplished what I have. Maybe just lucky. Either way, I am grateful to have gained and experienced as much as I have.
My greatest blessing has been being able to parent two beautiful children. For all the shit the universe has sent my way, I finally won the universe lottery with my children.
With all my many blessings, my life is often still a shit-storm. I am affected every day in some way or another by the horrors of my childhood. But still, I persist.
I have wanted to give up. My love for my children kept me here during those dark times.
Today, I am glad I am still here. After a really difficult two years, today I finally feel “good” and am living with some clarity that has eluded me for some time.
I feel like someone of value. Someone who matters. Someone who can contribute to this world.
Yes, I can.
I have had this feeling before, so it scares me a little as I know it can be ripped from my being again.
I can become “dirt” again.
But today, yes today, I will not let my perpetrators and demons rule my life. I accept them as part of who I am. I accept them as part of what has made me into the beautiful person I am.
Yes, I have experienced a lot of evilness in life. I was raised and hurt by a lot of evil people in this world. But, I am not evil.
Experiencing evil does not mean evil owns you. We each own ourselves. We may need to take our time clearing this evilness from our memory banks, but most importantly, know that we are not evil no matter what was done to us.
We have the opportunity to own and choose our futures. Today, I know I own mine.
I got this.
Screw those who treated me like garbage. I am a beautiful human being who is capable of so much.
No one can take my soul from me. It’s all mine, and I choose to live and love and contribute to this world.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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