The Part of My Illness That I Struggle to Accept

I’ve had many nights where I cry myself to sleep because I realize I will not wake up being “cured.” I’ll most likely wake up again in physical pain wishing, hoping and praying that it would just go away. I will wake up knowing that I might have another day where I can’t commit to doing certain activities. Or will be experiencing another day of fear of my future that comes with struggling with both chronic and mental health symptoms.

Acceptance has never been an easy skill for me to use. It often has represented to me a negative concept because in my mind I think it means, “It’s OK that I’ll live in pain the rest of my life because such is life, right?” Logically I know that’s not quite what radical acceptance means, however, that’s what it feels like sometimes and the emotional pain that comes with that thought never goes away.

I grieve for my childhood moving, playful, and active self I once knew. I miss not thinking of how this movement will hurt me physically or thinking ahead of how to prepare myself for feeling uncomfortable in different places.

I grieve knowing that about 95 percent of doctors, family, and friends don’t understand my disease as sometimes I barely fully do.

I want more then anything for myself to wake up one morning and miraculously be healed. I also know life doesn’t work that way. I guess that’s where the heartbreak of acceptance comes in. I do take life day by day, even minute by minute now, not because I always want to – but because I have to. Now, since I never know how’ll feel minute to minute or day by day. I’m grateful on days where my pain isn’t as high and I don’t take those days for granted. As those days are the ones that remind me that everything will be OK in the end.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Lyme Disease

woman sitting with a mug and a blanket in front of the fire

'I'll Be Home for Christmas' Takes on a New Meaning When You're Chronically Ill

The song “I’ll be home for Christmas” takes on a whole new meaning when you have a chronic illness. I am likely home, and no one can count on me to get out of bed to go anywhere. I still enjoy myself during the holidays, but it is much harder for me to get out [...]
Christmas cookies and a coffee mug in front of a lit-up Christmas tree.

12 Ways You Can Support Your Friend With Lyme Disease This Christmas

For a Lyme warrior, every single day can be a struggle. Holidays often bring additional stress to many, as some have lost their enjoyable feeling and glory. The holiday gatherings sometimes turn into a source of misery, a reminder of a distant life that some with Lyme disease can no longer enjoy. Battling Lyme, chronic [...]
woman comforting her friend

To Those Who Don't Know What to Say When I Open Up About My Lyme Disease

“Oh, I know somebody with/who had Lyme disease, I’ll give you their phone number and you can talk to them!” That sentence right there is quickly becoming my least favorite combination of words that I hear probably weekly. I know it’s your way of trying to relate to me or maybe even trying to comfort [...]

To Anyone Struggling With Lyme Disease: You Are Enough, Just as You Are

By Meg Walling I never thought I’d be writing like this. Writing about something so personal and putting it out there for the whole world to see. Never, ever did I imagine I would be writing again. Not to mention that I’d have the courage to actually share experiences and thoughts, like little pieces of my soul. Yet here I [...]