I Still Catch Myself Blaming Myself for My Sexual Assault

I still catch myself blaming myself for things I know deep down are not my fault.

“I should of known going to his house meant something different to him than it did to me.” “I shouldn’t have been drinking.” “My shorts were too short, my shirt too low.”

The truth of the matter is, I’m not to blame for any of it. I wasn’t the problem. Nothing I said or did or wore warranted him touching me without my consent. I didn’t ask to be raped. I didn’t ask to be taken advantage of by someone I trusted.

He should have known better. He should have realized my lifeless body under him didn’t seem right. He should have known the tears in my eyes weren’t normal. He should have understood I never said yes.

I keep blaming myself because I never said no. I went over to his house willingly. I drank with him. I was once in a relationship with him. I trusted him.

I shouldn’t be blaming myself. I shouldn’t feel ashamed. He should.

I should know it’s not my fault. Everyone should know it’s not their fault. I’m not a victim of sexual assault. I am a survivor of sexual assault.

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