When You Don't Know How to Be Kind to Yourself
I can’t be kind to myself.
There are many times lately when my brain just takes control and tries to take me down… a few times it almost succeeded.
The only way I find to somewhat recover from moments like that is to accept it, forgive it and use it for good.
The good I’m using it for today is not to hide in shame, but to share with all of you.
Like I said, I can’t be kind to myself.
Sometimes I think it’s kind of a blessing in a twisted way because it makes me want to be extra kind to those around me.
I don’t want anybody to feel the way I do about myself.
I joke a lot that I am way too rational about my irrationality.
I know it’s my brain playing games with me… but that doesn’t make it any easier to live with.
I beat myself up over every little thing I do or say.
A conversation, an e-mail, a text… all are triggers for my anxiety.
I replay in my mind everything I said and re-read what I wrote in desperation to make sure that I didn’t say something “bad.”
I look in the mirror every day and I don’t like what I see.
When I look in the mirror I see sadness… and that is not a good look.
I have been having a really tough time lately, but nobody else would know it by looking at me or being around me.
The only people who have a clue are those few friends I texted when I just needed to tell somebody before I exploded within myself.
But then comes the always present and never abating guilt after opening my heart about what’s going on in my mind.
The guilt I feel is tremendous for exposing anybody to “me” — the “me” that isn’t the fun and together “me” I want all to see.
I said above that I am way too rational… and I am. I am well aware of my issues and have studied them in depth.
But knowledge isn’t always enough to battle a raging disorder …sometimes the disorder is stronger.
I am so rational that it makes those moments when I am irrational harder for me to take.
If you could see some of my texts late at night after I’ve kept it together all day, you would probably cry… I sure have.
In the moment, it’s all I can do to hold it together…
But when the moment is over and I wake the next day, I am left with embarrassment, sadness and guilt.
How could I do that to my friends?
It isn’t fair to lay that stuff on anybody… I am such a bad person.
I am so selfish… they have their own problems to deal with. I should be stronger and suck it up.
And then comes the fear…
They are going to hate me and not want to be my friend anymore.
I’m going to chase everybody away eventually.
I’m scared it will never get better.
Yeah… good times up in my head… a real party!
This is the hardest part for me… I know I really did nothing wrong, but I feel as if I did.
I would never think anything like that about anybody else and would probably be honored that a person thought enough of me to share their truth and reach out for help… but I can’t be kind to myself.
I know I’m a good person… or at least I try to be. But I still feel like a bad person.
Knowing something and feeling something are totally different things.
So many people are just like me… and it breaks my heart that tons are way worse.
We often keep our truths and reality inside and struggle in silence to protect those we care about.
I love my friends and family too much to be a burden or a downer… I want to be funny, make others feel good and to be kind.
But I still cannot be kind to myself… Yet.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.
Unsplash photo via Natalia Figueredo