My New Year’s Resolution as a Person With Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder
Welcome to the new year! If you made a New Year’s resolution, I wish you success on your path. If you didn’t, that’s OK too. I’m not much for resolutions myself, but this year I did make an important one: not to beat myself up too much about my struggle with depression and borderline personality disorder (BPD).
I’ve struggled with my disorders for a very long time, and I often resent their impact on my life. Instead of showing myself compassion on the days I struggle, I tell myself over and over again that I deserve the misery and isolation that depression brings. I often feel that my BPD makes me a horrible, lazy, unlovable person who isn’t worth any of the good things that life has to offer. I let myself sink into a pit of shame because my brain tells me I am no good, that no one wants to be near me because of my sadness and tears. I forget that nobody is perfect.
Is this true? Of course not. My significant other, my friends and my loved ones are always quick to point out my kindness, my compassion and a multitude of other good qualities I possess. The logical part of my brain tells me I am a good partner, an excellent friend and a hard worker. I am smart, funny, and loyal. I am a work in progress, capable of great things. But on my bad days, my disorders refuse to let me listen to that logic.
So this year, instead of beating myself up on those days, I am going to try to show myself the same compassion I would show someone else who was struggling. I am going to try to let myself listen to that logical voice in my head that tells me I am a good, worthy person. I know I may not always be successful in this, but I promise to try. That is my resolution for this year.
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