I'm Sorry My Anxiety Keeps Me From Telling You How Much You Mean to Me
This piece was written by Holly Riordan, a Thought Catalog contributor.
My anxiety stops me from texting other people first and asking them to hang out and using too many emojis. It stops me from showing my excitement and convinces me to act emotionless so I don’t embarrass myself.
My anxiety makes me seem like I don’t care about the people who mean the most to me — and I hate the thought of those people not realizing how much I love them. How I would do anything for them.
There were so many times I wanted to text you, but didn’t want to be a bother. There were so many times I wanted to remind you how much I love you, but didn’t want to come on too strong. There are so many things I have always wanted to say to you, but never found the strength.
That’s why I want to take the time to tell you how much I care about you. How much I appreciate all of the times you’ve texted me and asked to hang out, even if I told you I was too busy to meet up. I appreciate all of the times you have reached out to me, whether it was to ask me a question or wish me a happy birthday.
You have no idea how much those little things mean to me. How long I hold onto the happiness that a text from your phone or a smile from your face brings me.
I want to thank you for being there for me through it all. During my good and bad days. I want to thank you for spending time with me, even when I was silent throughout an entire conversation and made things awkward. Even when it would have been easier for you to walk away than deal with me.
I’m sorry my anxiety makes it difficult to make plans with me. I’m sorry my anxiety stops me from being as open with you as I wish I could be. I’m sorry my anxiety has put up this invisible barrier between us. I really am.
I’m sorry my anxiety stops me from seeing you as much as I would like, that it stops me from getting as close to you as I wish I could get — but I never want you to feel like I don’t care. I never want you to hear my nervous laughter and one-word answers and assume that means I don’t like you — because that’s far from the truth.
You mean the world to me. I might not talk to you as often as I should, but I talk about you all the time. You’re such a huge part of my life.
I think about you every single day. Even though I might not invite you over to my place or text you just because, you’re always in the back of my mind.
Since I’m so bad at showing it, I want to take the time to tell you how much I love you. And how I couldn’t imagine living this life without you.
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to let you know that.
We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.
Getty Images photo via LanaBrest