10 Hilarious Ways I Made Drinking My Colonoscopy Prep Easier
I understand why we have to do it, but setting up an awkward pillow, blanket, towel, and Netflix nest on my bathroom floor so I can clean out my intestines isn’t exactly the way I want to spend my Wednesday night. And having to down gigantic glasses of nauseating purgative juice doesn’t make this process easier.
If there’s anything I’ve learned in my six years (so far) with Crohn’s disease, it’s that humor is often one of the best ways to get yourself through the tough times. And, believe me, the night and hours before a colonoscopy can be considered a “tough time.”
So, hopefully some of these tips will help downing your colonoscopy prep a bit easier. Be careful, though, my jokes are so funny you might even poop your pants.
1. Pretend it’s a magic potion.
I don’t think I’ve ever watched a movie where someone took a magical potion and enjoyed the taste. I mean, do you remember the polyjuice potion from “The Chamber of Secrets?” Yeah, at least prep doesn’t look like that.
2. Make it a dance contest.
Come up with different “icky” dances after each drink. You know you’re going to do it anyway, so you might as well make a contest out of it. Bonus points if you record it and upload it to social media for all to see.
3. Motivate yourself like an intense trainer.
Come on, Sarah. You got this. One more chug. You got doubts? You feel like you can’t do it? Bullshit. You crush that prep. Ahhhhh.
4. The classic literature approach.
Romeo and Juliet: Pretend to be Romeo and down it like poison. Then, you have an excuse to act like you’re dying after you drink it.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Similarly, pretend to be Dr. Jekyll and take the “potion” like the mad scientist you are. Transform into Mr. Hyde and shout obscenities, violently wield a cane, and misuse all your money. (Just kidding, please don’t do that.)
5. Pretend it’s the blood of your enemies.
They will kneel before your ultimate power and despair.
6. Challenge yourself to keep as straight of a face as possible.
You know you can’t help but make scrunched up “this is disgusting” faces every time you drink it. Challenge yourself not to. Mind over matter, dear poopil.
7. Do or do not.
First, like the true preschoolers we all are at heart, let’s all take a moment to laugh at the double-meaning of “do” here. (Also, we all know that “do not” isn’t even a choice. That’s the whole point.)
Now, channel your inner Jedi master and use the force to drink your prep. There is not try.
8. Imagine you are a world traveler.
Imagine you’re traveling unknown lands and run into some locals. They give you this strange liquid as a gift because they believe it brings you good luck. The catch is you have to drink all of it right there, right then or the effect doesn’t work and you risk deeply offending your new, kind companions.
9. Pretend it’s alcohol.
If you are close enough with your friends to have them over while you shit the contents of your bowels all night, make them take a shot every time you have to drink a new cup of prep.
On second thought, you want exclusive rights to the porcelain throne, so maybe don’t take all my advice.
10. Reward yourself.
Set up whatever reward system works for you – and is still in line with the rules of your prep. Like gold stars. Or only moving on to the next episode of whatever you are binge watching after you’ve taken your next dose.
Colonoscopies have a notoriously bad reputation, but we all know how important they are to our health – especially those of us who live with chronic illnesses like inflammatory bowel disease (IBD). All jokes aside, I’m grateful for the information that my colonoscopy exams have been able to give me and my doctor. Without them, I may never have been diagnosed and may still be fighting to receive the treatment I need.
So, drink up me hearties. And take a gander at these “real” tips (mine are better) from the Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation to help the preparation process go a little more…smoothly.
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