When Your Mental Health Makes It Hard to Shower and Brush Your Teeth

I’m trying to find hope.

It’s harder than I thought honestly. My mind is constantly buzzing with worry and concern. I’m trying to do too many things at once and it’s causing me to panic. I don’t involve myself in social confrontation and avoid things that might cause stress. Even worse I feel tired all time and I have no energy to talk nor move. I want to draw, read, write. But all I can do is lay down and worry.

I try to find hope but all I find is determination. And I think that’s better than anything I can have.

I’m determined to move around and care for myself. I brushed my teeth for the first time in four weeks because I was so mentally drained. I washed my face and cleaned my ears. I washed my body for the first time in forever (2 months) because I had been so down and worried. I never thought I would feel 100 percent clean until last night. I ran my hands over my face and cried because I was so relieved that it was clean.

I work through determination. Not hope.

I had been under so much stress this year from family trouble and moving around. I had forgot what life was. I felt locked up in my mind. Like a bird in a cage. I never thought I would be that person. The one who was happy but her mind was battling with her. I wanted to soar in life and know what I was doing. Now I’m panicking about what college I can go to, what job I want, if I’ll ever get married.

I’m trying to enjoy my high school days. Even when I’m in a funk, I try to laugh and make memories. After school I sit in the car, too tired to speak. I force myself to get buckled and I listen to the car humming. I haven’t had proper sleep in over a week and a half. Maybe determination can fix that.

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