Why I Fear Recovering From My Depression

It’s hard to live a life when everyone knows you’re sick, especially when it’s mental illness. People treat you like you are fragile, or they think you’re doing it for attention, or they baby you, or they pretend to be your friend because they want to be the person who “fixes you.”

While I don’t remember a life before anxiety and depression, I remember a life before it was public.

About a year and a half ago, I was hospitalized for suicidal ideations, and it felt like it was all downhill from there. No one knew I was suicidal. No one knew I was anxious. No one knew I was depressed. No one knew I was sick.

But, after the hospital, people started to find out. My boss knew. My whole family knew. The elders at my church knew.

Then, I started to feel the warmth that people turn on toward you when you are sick, and I got confused. Before, I felt like I had no friends, and I really didn’t. I was an angry kid who wasn’t always friendly. But now… now people were showing me affection and they were being nice and I didn’t understand.

So, I told someone else, and I got the same reaction. I told a couple of people and I let them into my world.

People are so nice to you when they think you’re sick, but what happens when I heal? Who will be there with me during the triumphs in my life?

I have a lot of friends who want to be there when I am low, so they can put the Band-Aid on, but who pay me no attention when I seem to be doing well.

That scares me.

I like having friends, feeling loved and accepted, and I fear that no one will pretend to love me if I am not sick.

It hinders my progress and growth and makes it harder to heal because I’m scared that when I do, I will lose it all and go back to the before, where my struggling was alone and scary. But at the same time, back then, I knew who my real friends were, and now it’s hard to tell.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is: make friends and be friendly to everyone. Be there for people when they are sad, but also when they’re glad. Be there to pick them up, but also be there to cheer them on when they are finally winning. Don’t forget about us when you think we’re “fixed” because we still need friends, and we will still have bad days, and it will be so amazing to share those days with you. But it will also be wonderful to share our great days with you too.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Getty Images photo via Guasor

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Depression

business woman sitting at desk taking coffee break

How Making a Video Game Helped Me With My Depression

I have been a game developer for the past eight years, but I worked in game studios and I programmed whatever my company told me to. But I never made my own game, on my own. As part of my Master’s by Practice for a degree in Video Game Enterprise and Production, I had the [...]
you're the worst

The Scene From 'You're the Worst' I Relate to Most as Someone With Depression

Recently, I started watching the TV show, “You’re the Worst.” The show is listed as a comedy series dealing with two main characters: Gretchen and Jimmy. Both of them have different opinions on relationships. Gretchen doesn’t believe they are her thing while Jimmy thinks all relationships are doomed the moment they begin. Later on in [...]
black and white photo of young woman on smartphone social media leaning against stone wall

What You Need to Remember If Social Media Impacts Your Depression

If you battle depression, then you already know how hard it is to get through the day. Any day. The number of people affected by depression and anxiety is on the rise. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), in 2015 an estimated 322 million people were living with depression, making it the leading cause [...]
Selena Gomez

Selena Gomez's Mental Health Realization Might Be Relatable If You Have Anxiety and Depression

Selena Gomez is known for being candid about her health. From posting about her kidney donor on Instagram, to publicly seeking treatment for anxiety and depression, the 25-year-old singer has used her platform to spread awareness for different health conditions, and often gets real about how these conditions affect her life. In an interview in this month’s [...]