Why I Fear Recovering From My Depression
It’s hard to live a life when everyone knows you’re sick, especially when it’s mental illness. People treat you like you are fragile, or they think you’re doing it for attention, or they baby you, or they pretend to be your friend because they want to be the person who “fixes you.”
While I don’t remember a life before anxiety and depression, I remember a life before it was public.
About a year and a half ago, I was hospitalized for suicidal ideations, and it felt like it was all downhill from there. No one knew I was suicidal. No one knew I was anxious. No one knew I was depressed. No one knew I was sick.
But, after the hospital, people started to find out. My boss knew. My whole family knew. The elders at my church knew.
Then, I started to feel the warmth that people turn on toward you when you are sick, and I got confused. Before, I felt like I had no friends, and I really didn’t. I was an angry kid who wasn’t always friendly. But now… now people were showing me affection and they were being nice and I didn’t understand.
So, I told someone else, and I got the same reaction. I told a couple of people and I let them into my world.
People are so nice to you when they think you’re sick, but what happens when I heal? Who will be there with me during the triumphs in my life?
I have a lot of friends who want to be there when I am low, so they can put the Band-Aid on, but who pay me no attention when I seem to be doing well.
That scares me.
I like having friends, feeling loved and accepted, and I fear that no one will pretend to love me if I am not sick.
It hinders my progress and growth and makes it harder to heal because I’m scared that when I do, I will lose it all and go back to the before, where my struggling was alone and scary. But at the same time, back then, I knew who my real friends were, and now it’s hard to tell.
So, I guess what I am trying to say is: make friends and be friendly to everyone. Be there for people when they are sad, but also when they’re glad. Be there to pick them up, but also be there to cheer them on when they are finally winning. Don’t forget about us when you think we’re “fixed” because we still need friends, and we will still have bad days, and it will be so amazing to share those days with you. But it will also be wonderful to share our great days with you too.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.
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Getty Images photo via Guasor