When Life With Chronic Illness Gets Busy and You Forget to Cry

I cried today. I actually cried myself to sleep. But I cried. I felt. I let it out.

Since being diagnosed with a chronic illness, I’ve cried in the past. But for some reason, lately, I’ve been forgetting to actually do it. Being sick, I tend to only focus on the pain. I focus on the meds, my movements, the signs my body is showing, my rest, my food, my water intake, my meds (again) and my sleep.

I am so preoccupied by all of these things. They keep me quite busy and I think to myself, “I’m practicing self-love. I’m taking care of myself.” But then I forget to cry.

I forget to let go of the pain and the feelings. I forget that I am human and have true emotions. I forget that it’s OK to cry, to feel, to just be. I forget.

I start going through the stages of grieving over and over again with each flare. I go through the denial and the anger. I hardly get time to get to the acceptance before another symptom happens. I don’t really have time to have a full cycle of grief.

So I just lost it. I couldn’t hold it anymore. In the comfort of my blankets and pillows and my soft bed, I cried like a baby. I let it all out. I relieved all of the tension, all of the heaviness, most of the grief I was feeling from my most recent flare. I felt human. I felt relief.

It’s easy for me to become a robot from my illness. All of the scheduled meds and doctor appointments. All of the symptoms and pain I have to tiptoe around. All of the fake smiles I have to put out there day in and day out. All of the “I’m fines” and the “I’m goods.” I tend to not feel. Just go with the flow.

Remember to cry. Remember to feel. Remember it is OK to let it out. Remember you are still human.