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When Life With Chronic Illness Gets Busy and You Forget to Cry

I cried today. I actually cried myself to sleep. But I cried. I felt. I let it out.

Since being diagnosed with a chronic illness, I’ve cried in the past. But for some reason, lately, I’ve been forgetting to actually do it. Being sick, I tend to only focus on the pain. I focus on the meds, my movements, the signs my body is showing, my rest, my food, my water intake, my meds (again) and my sleep.

I am so preoccupied by all of these things. They keep me quite busy and I think to myself, “I’m practicing self-love. I’m taking care of myself.” But then I forget to cry.

I forget to let go of the pain and the feelings. I forget that I am human and have true emotions. I forget that it’s OK to cry, to feel, to just be. I forget.

I start going through the stages of grieving over and over again with each flare. I go through the denial and the anger. I hardly get time to get to the acceptance before another symptom happens. I don’t really have time to have a full cycle of grief.

So I just lost it. I couldn’t hold it anymore. In the comfort of my blankets and pillows and my soft bed, I cried like a baby. I let it all out. I relieved all of the tension, all of the heaviness, most of the grief I was feeling from my most recent flare. I felt human. I felt relief.

It’s easy for me to become a robot from my illness. All of the scheduled meds and doctor appointments. All of the symptoms and pain I have to tiptoe around. All of the fake smiles I have to put out there day in and day out. All of the “I’m fines” and the “I’m goods.” I tend to not feel. Just go with the flow.

Remember to cry. Remember to feel. Remember it is OK to let it out. Remember you are still human.

Getty Image by AntonioGuillem