Why Suddenly Going From Healthy to Sick Feels Like the Ultimate Betrayal


Never did I imagine one day I’d wake up and my life would be changed forever. I never thought I’d develop a chronic illness coupled with chronic pain, let alone multiple chronic illnesses and a lifetime of pain.

But that’s exactly what happened. I went to bed fine one night and woke up the next day not fine. Little did I know a storm was brewing inside me that was about to unleash itself in a raging fury. That raging fury would then go on to become the dominant focus of my life and not by my choice.

The only word I can think of to describe this journey from healthy one day to to not healthy the next day would be feeling like I have endured the ultimate betrayal. Like my best friend, the one I could always count on, stabbed me in the back. And there’s no greater hurt to me than being betrayed.

I allowed this ultimate betrayal to throw me into an 11-year downward spiral of bitterness, anger and resentment. The nagging pain a constant reminder that I’m not normal and may never be again. Obsessing over my illness and trying to find answers, labels for my suffering that I thought would lead to a cure and me getting the old me back. The me before I became sick. The extrovert, the life of the party, the gal who never let anything get in her way of achieving her goals. I was so naive.

Answers finally came and a short period of jubilation, but then the reality there was no cure hit me like a cement truck. I was devastated. I thought chasing a diagnosis and finding a name for my ailments would be the end of the journey and I would have my life back. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

The ensuing two years since my diagnosis have been the hardest two years of my life. Multiple treatments, too many medicine changes to count and several surgeries later and I’m worse, not better. Finding my new normal is still a work in progress.

Betrayed. By my own body. Something I have no control over. This poem I wrote describes the betrayal from my perspective. Maybe you too can relate.

“Betrayed”

I never expected you to treat me this way
I never fathomed you’d go astray
One day I woke up and things weren’t the same
Battered, bruised, broken, confused
You left me feeling I had to pursue
A diagnosis, an answer, something to help my life improve
But life is funny and little did I know
The old me was gone lying
trapped beneath a pile of rubble and ruin
An answer a name did finally come
Yet did not reveal a hallelujah song

I hate what you’ve done to me
Once my close friend and now my enemy
You robbed me of joy, of purpose and plan
Down on my knees I’ve begged and I’ve prayed
I wish I knew why you did me this way
I’d do anything to have back the way I used to be
Wild young free
Not a care in the world to break thru
If I had known what would become of me
I’d have driven with the top down a time or more or two
I’d have gone to Australia and seen that kangaroo
I’m sad and I’m sorry and I wish you’d go away
I wished for your name but once discovered it only increased the pain
It haunts me and taunts me like a never-ending campaign

But out of these ashes a Phoenix will rise
For I am a fighter fists bound with stubborn pride
You’ve robbed me of joy but not anymore
I will fight I will fly I will live my life the way I want to forevermore
Try and stop me if you must

But just beware I haven’t lost not once

Getty Image by kaipong


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Chronic Illness

black and white photo of a woman with striped shadows falling across her

Grieving the Person I Was Before Chronic Illness

“Click, click” is all I hear while I sit in front of my computer screen biting my lower lip trying my hardest not to cry (telling myself I need to be strong). “Oh no,” I can feel a tear fall down my face; there is the beginning of me grieving the person I used to [...]
blurred photo of a woman looking worried

The Underlying Paranoia That Can Come With Chronic Illness

It started with random twitches when I was 13. I’d had a traumatic experience a couple months before the twitches began which I never discussed with anyone. It took a couple months of testing to figure out what was wrong, and doctors initially thought leukemia, but with more testing, the final diagnosis was lupus. Within a [...]
woman sitting on a patio of a restaurant by the ocean looking out at the sunset

How, When and Why I Sometimes Take Risks With Chronic Illness

I’m sitting on the couch trying to patiently wait as antibiotics fight off the strep infection my immune system is incapable of handling. There is nothing left on Netflix to tickle my interest. I am so bored. To alleviate the boredom, I reach for my phone to check out social media and see what’s going [...]
woman wearing a bikini and holding a volleyball on a sand court

When You Do Everything 'Right,' but Chronic Illness Strikes Anyway

This weekend I ended up in the back of an ambulance. This is shocking for a lot of people, but those who know me know it is just a side of my lupus I usually keep very well hidden. It is a running joke that people with chronic illnesses fake being well more than people assume [...]