What It's Like to Wake Up to the Heaviness of Depression


Nights are hard for a lot of us, I think. For me, my depression is always the worst at night. Everything feels heavier at night. The dark sky seems so daunting and the light from the day seems so far away. The darkness surrounds me so tightly that I’m not sure I will ever see the daylight again.

Right now, as I am in the depths of my deepest depression, this is a nightly occurrence. I spend hours fighting off my thoughts and urges and use every distraction skill I have to try and keep myself safe. My main goal right now is just to stay alive. That may seem dramatic, but when a depression so deep and so dark has completely taken over every aspect of your life — the most important thing is staying alive.

This morning, I woke up hoping the heaviness from the night before had lifted and that the weight of my depression would be a little lighter. Unfortunately this was not the case. I woke up struggling even more than the night before and every move I made felt too heavy to bear. I think I would describe it as carrying extremely large weights on your back — every single moment of every single day. Imagine having to go about your day-to-day tasks carrying hundreds of pounds of weight on your back. Seems daunting, doesn’t it?

That’s what depression is.

Today will be a difficult day and I acknowledge that. But all that matters is that I get through the difficult days and I don’t allow them to have complete control over me. Because as hard as it is to go through a day with the heaviest weights and the most discouraging thoughts, I have to.

I have no choice but to fight.

Unsplash photo via ANMOL


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Depression

tired woman sitting on bed with cup of coffee

7 Little Motivation Tricks for Depression and Anxiety

Motivation is a tricky thing, and sometimes you have to fight back with your own tricks. As a person who lives with depression and anxiety, I often struggle to get the most basic of things done. It’s not that I physically can’t or that I’m choosing not to — it’s that everything becomes difficult and [...]
blonde haired woman with head down watching sunset

When You Feel You Have No Reason to Have Depression or Anxiety

I have a hundred reasons to be happy — hundreds of moments that should smear a giant smile all over my face. A hundred jokes and goofy things to laugh about. A hundred students — sweet, adorable bundles of joy — rushing at me. But their joy stops there. It doesn’t reach me. I see [...]
woman sitting on trail

Unbreakable

it’s that time of year again. that time where my first rape anniversary is just around the corner. November 16th and 17th, 2013. what i hate is that i still think every year about those dates. the anger has faded significantly the pains healed over but there is still a stamp on my heart. when [...]
couple kissing forehead

The 2 Ways I Respond to Romantic Relationships as Someone With a Mental Illness

Relationships are hard. You allow yourself to be vulnerable with another person and have to give them the benefit of the doubt. You need to assume they will not hurt you, that they will love you for who you are and will still find you attractive with your clothes off. When you have mental health [...]