My Real Ambitions in Life as Someone With Depression and Anxiety
If you asked someone what they wanted to be when they grew up, they’d probably say a doctor. Or a teacher. When I was asked that question, I set my ambitions much lower. I copped out, saying I didn’t know… but really, I do know.
When I grow up, I want to love: Love myself, for who I am. Love my body: it does its job. Love freely. Love without being judged. Love without judgment. I want to be able to go to bed without a gaping hole in my heart. I want to fall asleep content, not crying. I want to not spend hours picking over my actions from my day, year or life. Lord knows there are much better ways to spend my time. I want to be able to heal, to not create deeper scars. I want to get over my fear of tears.
I want to be myself without worrying about what other people think of me. I want to be able to do what I want, without someone behind me controlling everything. I want to be able to love whom I want, no matter their gender. I want to live my life, not hate it.
When I grow up, I want to sing the joy in my heart. I want to teach others to do the same. I want to love without fear. I want to leave my burdens, if only for a while. I need to believe there is good in this world. I want to go for days being happy with my life. I need to worry less. I want to not have to worry over everything ever. I need to believe it will all be OK. I need to get over my fear of myself. I need to get in control of my life. I need to believe everything will be OK. I need to get rid of guilt. It was the best little me could do. I need to get rid of insecurity because I could do so much more with my life.
When I grow up, I want to be an alive, happy, functioning human being, who can live and love uncensored.
Although, that wasn’t what they wanted to hear, of course. They were just making small talk. You know what? I’ll just continue saying I don’t know yet.
If you’re feeling suicidal, or just need a safe place to talk, you can call the Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386.
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Photo by Suhyeon Choi on Unsplash