When Depression Is an Uninvited Houseguest


I hear every crack of the floorboards. I can barely sleep. I long to close my eyes and hear nothing but silence. But no; I hear every crack instead.

I have an unwanted houseguest visiting my home. He has come in uninvited, as though I had left the front door open especially for him. There was no welcome sign up, I assure you. He has brought melancholy to a once happy home. He is hurting the relationships between husband and wife, mother and child. No one is able to be themselves while he is around. He has scattered eggshells, adding more mess to my already unkempt floor. He gives no indication how long he will stay. I try so hard to remove him from my home, but he is too strong, too heavy for me to budge. He sits on my couch, my chairs, my shoulders.

“You have so much to be grateful for,” they say.
“You don’t deserve any of it,” he cracks.

“Just get over it,” they say.
“You’re not strong enough to fight me,” he cracks.

“You have a beautiful family,” they say.
“They are getting tired of you,” he cracks.

“Just get on with things, keep busy,” they say.
“You can’t do anything well, stop trying,” he cracks.

“I don’t know how to help you,” they say.
“You know how you could make their lives easier, don’t you?” He cracks.

Crack. Crack. Constant cracks. The noise bombarding me is deafening. My mind races, I try to fight him, I panic, I cry, I sleep.

I repeat. I repeat.

One day, I will be able to stand up to this unwanted houseguest. Hopefully tomorrow is the day I will call him a taxi. I will book him a plane ticket. I will pack his bag. He can take his eggshells, his black cloud, his weight of the world and get the hell out of my house.

Until then, I will try to sleep. I will try to ignore the cracks. I will keep fighting.

Crack.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “HOME” to 741741.

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