My Borderline Personality Disorder Makes Me Feel 'Too Much' All the Time


Everything is always “too much.” I feel “too much.” I’m “too” emotional. I’m “too” loud. I’m “too” moody. I’m “too” apologetic. I’m “too” insecure. I’m “too” arrogant. I’m “too” loving. I’m “too” devoted. I’m “too” angry. I’m “too” quiet. “Too” withdrawn. “Too” boisterous. “Too” social… I get “too” passionate over silly stuff, like sharks or that time I got fanatical over peas… I’m “too” apathetic and don’t care about anything…

I’m in “too much” pain. I love in a smothering, all-consuming passionate way that actually makes my body and my insides hurt. I’m so affectionate without always being able to express it. No, I can’t tone it down. I don’t know how to feel “less.”

A lot of people view being borderline as some kind of shameful disease, and are embarrassed by it, ashamed. Now, a lot of it is incredibly hard to live with. It’s not easy to live with. The fact is that tiny emotions rip my heart out sometimes, but I think I’m starting to embrace it. I love that I feel “too much” of the good emotions, even if there is a bit of a trade off in regards to the “bad stuff.” I’m so passionate, and I’m not sure I’d change that for the world.

I switched my meds a few days ago and for the first time in years, I can say, “I’m fine,” and actually mean it. Being borderline doesn’t define me, and it doesn’t deserve the stigma that is attached to it. I am a human being, and I don’t appreciate being preached to by non-BPDs on my disability. They will never know what it’s like to feel as much as I do.

I saw some comments on a BPD support group today, people thinking they had BPD because of how badly they treated people in their lives. Is that what people think of us with it? Because you know, sometimes people are nasty, and you don’t need a diagnosis to be a nasty person.

I am human.


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Borderline Personality Disorder

woman sad black and white photo

15 Things You Shouldn't Say to Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

I decided today was the time to talk about something important that has affected me for almost as long as I can remember. Often, I discuss my depression and anxiety and I’ve even touched upon my PTSD, but it is incredibly rare that I talk about the mental health issue that possibly has the biggest [...]
15 Traits of People With Borderline Personality Disorder (That Aren't 'Manipulative' or 'Scary')

15 Traits of People With Borderline Personality Disorder (That Aren't 'Manipulative' or 'Scary')

Folks with borderline personality disorder (BPD) face some of the harshest stigma in the mental health community. From clinicians refusing to treat patients who have BPD, to anonymous internet users posting hateful blogs about why you should never date someone with BPD, it’s no wonder many people with BPD struggle with shame surrounding their condition. [...]
lonely person walking

Borderline Personality Disorder Makes Me Feel the Crushing Pain of Loneliness

As someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD), I find that loneliness is one of the symptoms I have the most trouble dealing with. I often worry that I’m too reliant on others. Therefore I strive to be independent. This need for independence only lasts until I’m home alone. As soon as my family leaves the [...]
17 Things People With Borderline Personality Disorder Do That Are Code for 'Don't Leave Me'

17 Things People With Borderline Personality Disorder Do That Are Code for 'Don't Leave Me'

Learning to communicate needs directly and effectively is something everyone struggles with at some point in their lives. For folks with borderline personality disorder (many of whom grew up in incredibly invalidating or abusive environments) this can be especially difficult. Maybe you “test” loved ones to determine if they love you enough to stick around [...]