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My Borderline Personality Disorder Makes Me Feel 'Too Much' All the Time

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Everything is always “too much.” I feel “too much.” I’m “too” emotional. I’m “too” loud. I’m “too” moody. I’m “too” apologetic. I’m “too” insecure. I’m “too” arrogant. I’m “too” loving. I’m “too” devoted. I’m “too” angry. I’m “too” quiet. “Too” withdrawn. “Too” boisterous. “Too” social… I get “too” passionate over silly stuff, like sharks or that time I got fanatical over peas… I’m “too” apathetic and don’t care about anything…

I’m in “too much” pain. I love in a smothering, all-consuming passionate way that actually makes my body and my insides hurt. I’m so affectionate without always being able to express it. No, I can’t tone it down. I don’t know how to feel “less.”

A lot of people view being borderline as some kind of shameful disease, and are embarrassed by it, ashamed. Now, a lot of it is incredibly hard to live with. It’s not easy to live with. The fact is that tiny emotions rip my heart out sometimes, but I think I’m starting to embrace it. I love that I feel “too much” of the good emotions, even if there is a bit of a trade off in regards to the “bad stuff.” I’m so passionate, and I’m not sure I’d change that for the world.

I switched my meds a few days ago and for the first time in years, I can say, “I’m fine,” and actually mean it. Being borderline doesn’t define me, and it doesn’t deserve the stigma that is attached to it. I am a human being, and I don’t appreciate being preached to by non-BPDs on my disability. They will never know what it’s like to feel as much as I do.

I saw some comments on a BPD support group today, people thinking they had BPD because of how badly they treated people in their lives. Is that what people think of us with it? Because you know, sometimes people are nasty, and you don’t need a diagnosis to be a nasty person.

I am human.

Originally published: July 20, 2018
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