When I'm Depressed, 'I'm Tired' Really Means 'I'm Tired of the Pain'

Editor's Note

If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

When you ask me how I am, I’ll tell you “I’m tired. I’m exhausted because I haven’t been sleeping well.”

It’s easier than saying I’m so depressed that it physically hurts in my chest and makes me want to curl up into a ball and fall asleep and never wake up.

Easier than saying there’s a storm that’s been brewing inside me for ages, but I have no idea what kind of storm, what emotions it will bring, the damage it’ll cause or if it’ll just build up inside me until I suffocate.

Easier than saying I can’t stand being in my own skin for another second, all I want to do is scream and yell and punch my reflection in the mirror and pull my hair out and bang my head against the wall until I pass out and maybe finally get some rest.

Easier than saying I’m angry and frustrated with myself because I feel so stuck and unable to focus on doing what I want to be doing. All of my goals seem completely unrealistic by now.

Easier than saying I’m fed up with the endless cycle of waiting exhaustedly for it to be late enough to go to sleep only to get into bed and suffer from insomnia, tossing and turning, waking up yelling in the midst of a panic attack.

Easier than saying I’m confused and don’t understand what is happening to me, how no matter how hard I try, I seem to keep on getting stuck in the same miserable place. How as soon as I start to feel a drop better, things spiral out of control again.

Easier than saying I feel too restless and irritated to do anything. I get anxious and startled so easily that I can’t do anything for long.

Easier than saying I’m trying so hard not to give up and lose hope, but I’ve been at this for so long and I’m tired.

I’m tired of fighting so hard to get through the day.

I’m tired of feeling better for just long enough to feel devastated when I come crashing down again.

I’m tired of sleepless nights spent tossing and turning.

I’m tired of searching for a will to live.

I’m tired of living for the sake of others.

I’m tired of wandering around aimlessly, waiting for time to pass.

I’m tired of sadness and painful emptiness.

I’m tired of fighting this losing battle.

I’m tired of fighting my own self, my own brain.

I’m tired of myself.

I’m tired of hatred and frustration.

I’m tired of pain.

Yeah, that’s how I’m doing.

I’m tired.

How are you?

Unsplash photo via Stacey Rozells

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