The Questions That Run Through My Mind Because I'm Undiagnosed
Being undiagnosed is a scary place to be. I’m so scared for the future and what it might hold. The what-ifs? The when’s? The “how will I get through this?”
Starting school makes me panic. What if I throw up in class? How can I keep on top of my classes? How bad will my attendance be? Will my teachers understand? Will I lose friends? It makes me want to scream.
And that’s just the near future.
My worries for the far future are so much more terrifying.
I stress about how my condition will deteriorate.
Will I always be a medical mystery?
Can I have children and raise a family?
Would my husband be willing to take care of me?
How will I be able to work full-time when I can’t even work part-time as a student now?
“I know I need to calm down. I can’t let my thoughts spiral,” I think as I try to process the details of my last appointment.
I feel lost, like I’ve been thrown off a boat and am expected to swim to shore when I can’t even swim, so I just try to tread water to keep my head afloat. Finally, I get am able to find a life jacket, a support system that can help me survive.
I am forced to think about what I can be grateful for and name the things that I have to look forward to.
Suddenly my mindset changes: I am young and sick, but I have a future. One that goes beyond my illness, where I have the chance to thrive.
So maybe I should say that I was scared, but I’m not anymore. I have fears, but I trust that this too, shall pass.
While I’m not religious, I like to think there is a plan for me and that one day things will be OK again, and I’ll be able to thrive.
If you’re struggling to cope with your illness, if you’re a mystery to all of your doctors, or if each new treatment is just a shot in the dark for you, I want you to know you are not alone.
I know it’s cliché, but trust me on this one — because I’ve been through it.
So please hold on to any hope you have, because one day, this too shall pass and things will get better.