When Cancer Forces You to Take Work Leave

Having an illness is quite challenging. During my breast cancer, I have experienced the obvious drawbacks to not being at my best physically, being constantly exhausted, walking around with an IV in regular life when on home-antibiotics, and dealing with lopsided body parts. Aside from the medical issues, there are so many losses when you are ill. One of the largest losses I have been through is to take a leave from my workplace, where I had worked for 10 years in a somewhat high-profile job in the healthcare industry.

I first lost the identity I had at work and the feeling that I was effective and competent at something — that I was contributing to society and to family finances in a way that mattered.

I lost connection with the people I used to see every day, the ones who told me the names of their children and spouses, about how and why they do what they do. I felt the loss of the lady at the coffee stand, the parking attendant I would see often, the teams I directly worked with, and others who work in the building.

Sometimes I feel like I am at risk of losing my professional reputation. Some people get a charge from gossiping and assume you aren’t really sick and just want some time off. You aren’t there to defend yourself so that’s lost too.

After being off for a couple of years, I was told I could not come back to my current job and they were reassigning my portfolio permanently. That coincided with a particularly tough stage of treatment and I found that incredibly hard. Although I understand the need for permanence in the workplace, the timing and the way it was done was less than ideal, adding insult to injury.

I was able to return to work in a few months and began the task of getting to know all new teams and learning new programs while returning from a long absence. It was possibly the most challenging period in the cancer experience because I felt like I was at a double disadvantage: I was still not 100% well and was also now having to learn all new things.

I worked slowly at a gradual return to work and eventually was back to full-time employment. I was relieved to be back and able to work, but it became impossible to sustain this due to ongoing illness.

I am now into the second year of a work leave. There are many times when I feel like I’m not contributing to the world and not doing my part, but friends and family are quick to remind me I’m doing what I can with the limited energy I do have.

My work recently informed me that for a second time my portfolio was permanently reassigned and packed up my office and had it delivered to my home. It does not feel good to have this happen but it has, in fact, made me reflect on what work I will be doing and whether that is consistent with my values.

Some losses can be good. Sometimes there is the loss of situations that caused great frustration or stress — aspects of work you never liked but had to do anyway. Sometimes you lose toxic people. It can be a real relief to know you no longer have to deal with someone who struggles to be collaborative in the workplace.

I don’t believe we always get sick for a reason. However, I think there are lessons to be had in any situation that challenges us. For me, it’s been an examination of my values and taking some steps to ensure my daily actions and values line up. Although I have no proof that it will, I do hope healthy values and aligned actions will lead to better physical health.