What 'It's a Wonderful Life' Reminds Me as Someone With Passive Suicidal Thoughts
“Remember, no man is a failure who has friends.”
I keep this quote from my favorite Christmas movie saved in my phone all year long. It’s not just a sentimental line for the holiday season but a reminder that even in our lowest times there is always a reason to keep pushing forward.
“It’s a Wonderful Life” has remained a Christmas tradition for decades for so many families. It’s black and white, sappy and over-dramatic, but it still resonates today. The protagonist George Bailey stands by his principles, willing to sacrifice every dream and every bit of himself to help those around him. After an evil scheme from his business rival puts him into impossible debt, he is drained of every bit of joy and hope and prepares to take his own life. After wishing he had never been born, an angel shows him just how dark the world would have been without him, and he returns to find his friends and family gathered together with more than enough funds to save him and his business.
When I had my first mental breakdown in college, I told the campus counselor that I didn’t necessarily want to die, I just wished I had never been born, like George Bailey. She dismissed it and told me I’d have to wait seven hours to schedule an appointment. Instead I went to the hospital. It wasn’t until years later I realized this passive thought was still a suicidal thought.
As a child I watched this movie and saw my father in George, a good man who seemingly couldn’t catch a break. I now see myself in George, someone who tries to do good but is never good enough. I am not as amazing or selfless as Mr. Bailey and I could never pretend to be, but I do strive to help others even if it costs me my own health. I don’t regret that and don’t see it as a flaw, but there are times I am not sure I could believe I’ve made any such difference in the world.
I feel like a failure sometimes. I hurt others and I hurt myself. I do my best and still end up in the darkest shadows and the deepest depths of loneliness. I sometimes stand on the bridge like George and wonder what it would be like if I had never been born. But then I remember the good times, how happy I was when a friend visited, when I traveled and saw a new part of the world, when a friend told me they came out of the closet because they believed maybe things would be OK. I’m not so special, but I am not a failure.
I look forward to Christmas all year long. The dark thoughts and my relentless anxieties don’t magically disappear, but I’m reminded that there is a wonderful world with wonderful people doing wonderful things both great and small. We have moments where we feel there is no way we could possibly endure enough pain to keep on living, but that’s why we have love. That’s why we love others, sometimes freely and recklessly, but it is never a sin to love. Maybe we need to find love for ourselves too. We’re never alone when we have people who love us in return. And they do.
“No man is a failure who has friends.” Remember that, George Bailey.