Think back to childhood when something made you upset. Your emotions were heightened, and all you wanted was for people to hear you. One of the most upsetting things as a young person is feeling angry, sad or frustrated and having your peers or family members ignore you. Unfortunately, being ignored doesn’t end in childhood, it can continue into adulthood. Deliberately ignoring someone and denying their feelings is called stonewalling, and it’s considered abuse.
How does a person stonewall?
Stonewalling can happen in any relationship, and no matter what the context is, it’s not OK to stonewall someone. Here’s how it works: a person who is hurting approaches their abuser. They express their feelings, and the abuser them ignores them in a variety of ways. One method of stonewalling is they completely shut down and don’t say anything; however, there’s a multitude of behaviors that fall under stonewalling, and they’re definitely abusive. Someone who stonewalls is denying what is happening at the moment. It is a form of gaslighting that makes the person who is being victimized feel utterly crazy for having emotions.
Types of Stonewalling
Silence is deadly
Imagine you’re in a fight with your partner and you express your feelings to them. You want them to be responsive and validate how you feel, but they’re completely silent. That is an example of stonewalling. The person you want to listen to you the most lacks feelings on the surface and makes you feel as if you are too much to deal with, and you end up feeling alone or questioning your emotions as invalid.
Monosyllabic replies
Another way to stonewall somebody is to not engage in a full conversation, but rather with one-word answers. It can be confusing for the abused individual because they are involved in somewhat of dialogue, but it’s unfulfilling. The abused person wants their partner or loved one to care about what they’re telling them, but it’s not working. The abuser cuts off the person’s emotional expression by replying with one-word answers. An abuser might remark “OK” in response to a genuine expression of feelings. They are affirming that they hear their loved one, but they’re not adding to the conversation. They say “yes,” “no,” or something that doesn’t provoke an open-ended response. The person who is having strong feelings is left with a sense of emptiness and a lack of support.
I’m too busy to talk
It’s awful when you feel like you don’t matter. When a partner or loved one acts like other things are more important than you, it’s a terrible feeling. You try to express how you feel, and they decide that they have something more urgent to do. They have to go to work or engage in an activity that seems completely irrelevant like make food or call a friend. You get extremely angry and lash out because you are trying to demonstrate that your emotions matter. The more they dismiss you, the angrier you get. You want to show your partner that you are important and they’re acting like there are several things they have to do and you don’t matter. What they’re doing is hurtful, and it needs to stop.
Criticism doesn’t penetrate them
People who stonewall typically deny what is happening in front of them. Even if you are telling them that something they’re doing is hurting you, or constructively criticizing them for trying to improve the relationship, they act like they don’t care. They may change the subject or not want to confront the awkward situation. That doesn’t mean your emotions are invalid. It indicates that they cannot face what is going on, and it’s essential for you to realize that your feelings are important and valid.
Help is available to you
Being a victim of stonewalling might mean that you are in an abusive relationship. It’s crucial to get help and seek therapy so that you can understand what’s happening to you and get better. Whether you’re working with an online therapist or someone in your local area, you can find a way to leave your relationship and seek a better life. If you have to interact with somebody who is stonewalling, you can learn coping techniques to deal with their behavior. You’re not alone in your feelings. You can get help, and you don’t have to tolerate abuse.
Marie Miguel has been a writing and research expert for nearly a decade; covering a variety of health related topics. Currently, she is contributing to the expansion and growth of a free online mental health resource with BetterHelp. With an interest and dedication to addressing stigmas associated with mental health, she continues to specifically target subjects related to anxiety and depression.
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