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The Conflicting Feelings I Experience During a Depressive Episode

I’m in the midst of a depressive episode. I’m trying to describe to friends what this feeling is. It doesn’t have a name. It is complex. It’s not just one feeling, but so many conflicting feelings all at once.

I don’t want to live anymore but I don’t want to die. I feel nothing inside — but I also feel everything you do or don’t do, say or don’t say, more intensely. It’s like my soul is slowly being eaten away until there will be nothing left. I don’t have the energy to do anything except sleep. No matter how much I sleep, I am still so tired. Exhausted for no reason. Hopeless for no reason. That’s what makes it worse. There is no real reason for it. My friends ask, “What’s wrong?” or, “What happened?” I have bipolar disorder. Nothing happened.

As a Christian, I feel guilt. I know that I have hope, but I don’t feel it. I know people love me, but I don’t feel it. I pray. I know God gives me worth and value but I feel worthless in this moment. My head and heart are at a disconnect.

Maybe that’s why I’m so exhausted. I’m fighting my own thoughts. Neurochemistry is working against me. I’m fighting a battle no one can see. A battle that if you’ve never fought yourself, you have absolutely no insight into. You have no idea what it’s like. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard. I don’t wish this on anyone, but I want people in my life who know and can walk alongside me. When they tell me it’s going to be OK, I will believe it, because they’ve been through it and came out OK. Those of you who’ve lived it, you know what I’m talking about. You know this nameless feeling.

Getty image via annwaterru