Sometimes I Miss My Emotionally Abusive Father

Sometimes, I miss my emotionally abusive father.

Yes, I realize this sounds like an oxymoron, but I do not know how else to say it.

• What is PTSD?

I grew up living with my father for 15 years before my parents split. And those 15 years were hell. I was neglected by him and used by him to live out his childhood dreams. I was pushed and pushed to play softball, practicing hours a day only to end up bedridden from the pain it caused. I never spent time with him unless I was on the field, getting yelled at to do better and try harder. I was never praised for my high grades or any of the awards I won from my other hobbies. He never once came out to watch me horseback ride, the one sport I sincerely enjoyed. Even the day I was born, he was not awake to see it.

So why would I miss my father?

I guess it would be easier to say that I do not miss my biological father; rather I miss having a father in my life. So many things can trigger this feeling. I can see my friends with their fathers, happy and smiling, and I cannot help but feel a little envious. I watch a movie with a father who sincerely loves his children and I start to feel a lump forming in my throat from emotion.

Other times I will hear a song that is completely relatable to my situation with my father. For example, the other day, as I was driving home from school, a song called “For the Love of a Daughter” by Demi Lovato came on my playlist. I listened closely from the very first verse to the end and found tears sliding down my cheeks when it finished. I related to this song from the first lines that state, “Four years old with my back to my door/ All I can hear is the family war.” I can remember countless times sitting in the corner of my bedroom, listening to my father scream at my mother and hearing my mother break down into tears.

However, the lyrics in the song that had me in tears were, “Don’t you remember I’m your baby girl?/ How could you push me out of your world?/ Lied to your flesh and your blood/ Put your hands on the ones that you swore you love.”

Why dad? Why did you never realize that I was your only daughter, your baby girl? You lied to me every time you said that you loved me. You lied when you said that you would always treat your family right. Why? Why couldn’t you love me and be there for me to this very day? Why did you make me grow up feeling so unloved, because who could love me if even my own father couldn’t? I mean, what is so wrong with me that you cannot love me for me? It hurts. A lot. It hurts knowing I won’t have my father walking me down the aisle when I get married. It hurts knowing I will never have his shoulder to cry on after a bad breakup. It hurts knowing I will never be good enough to be his baby girl.

So no, I do not miss the abuse I saw and endured. I honestly do not miss my biological father. I miss having a father. A father plays such an important role in a young girl’s life. He is the first person to show her true love. He supports her and is there for her through everything. I never got to experience this. And though most days I can get by, some days I really miss having a father.

Can you relate? Let Kalee know in the comments below.