When Anxiety and Depression Battle in Your Head All Day Long
Let’s face it, having any mental illness can suck. But having two at the same time? Well, it’s even worse. Anxiety and depression are different, but when you have them both, they play off each other and can make life that much harder. For example, when my anxiety gets worse and flares up, it causes my depression to worsen as well.
Here is what it is like, for me, having both anxiety and depression:
Every morning, I wake up. My depression has me feeling exhausted from the second I hear my alarm go off despite getting 12 hours of sleep. My anxiety has me thinking and worrying about a million things at once from the moment I open my eyes.
I then go downstairs to eat breakfast. My depression has me feeling like I am not even hungry and like I don’t have any desire to eat anything. My anxiety has me worrying about how if I don’t eat, I’ll be more underweight and that will cause a million other problems.
I go back to my room and sit on my bed. My depression usually makes me wanna lie in bed and turn on Netflix until I fall back asleep, because sleeping in my mind is better than getting up and going to school to get an education. My anxiety has me stressing over how much time I have to get ready before I make the long commute to school.
I eventually get out of bed and find what I’m going to wear. My depression makes me want to throw on sweatpants and a sweatshirt because I do not care how other people see me and don’t have the motivation to look decent. My anxiety makes me spend forever looking at the same five shirts thinking about how people will see me if I choose one or another.
I consider brushing my teeth and practicing good hygiene. My depression makes me not to want to brush them because what’s the point in taking care of myself when I don’t like myself? My anxiety makes me worry about walking around campus with teeth that aren’t regularly brushed.
I go to the kitchen and sit at the table, wondering if I want to bring food to eat during my break. My depression makes me not want to bring anything because I am not hungry. My anxiety makes me worry that I will just binge eat when I get home if I don’t eat anything between breakfast and dinner.
I get in my car and drive to school. My depression makes me sit there with the music on and stare blankly at the road ahead as I’m driving. My anxiety makes me worry about getting in an accident on the way to school.
I get to school, turn the car off and sit there. My depression makes me think about how I’m going to fail my classes whether I go or not because I have failed classes in the past. My anxiety makes me worry about walking around campus knowing there are over 40 thousand people at this school on any given day.
I walk to class. My depression makes me stare at the ground while I’m walking and just think about how miserable I feel. My anxiety puts me on edge, worrying every single person I walk by is judging me.
I get to class and sit through it. My depression makes me unable to concentrate and focus on what is going on. My anxiety makes me worry that I am not taking notes like I should and that if I don’t pay attention and take good notes, I am going to fail my test.
I walk back to my car. My depression makes me think about how much I don’t like school and how much I would rather just drop out. My anxiety makes me think and worry about all of the stuff I just learned in class and all the stuff I have to do for my classes.
I drive back home. My depression makes me exhausted just from being on campus for a couple hours. My anxiety makes sure I am still afraid of hitting a car like I did a couple years back.
I go inside and go to my room. My depression makes me put my stuff down, take my shoes off and get in bed. My anxiety makes me think about everything I should be doing but am not doing because I have no motivation to do them.
I turn on Netflix. My depression makes me fall asleep and not pay any attention to what is happening on the TV show. My anxiety makes me think that I can feel every organ in my body fighting to keep me alive.
I wake up a few hours later and it’s time for dinner. My depression makes me want to stay in bed forever because it seems like a better option than being out in the world with everyone. My anxiety makes me feel sick to my stomach because I haven’t eaten since this morning, so I go and eat something.
I go back to my room and think about showering. My depression makes me again not want to do anything that involves taking care of myself. My anxiety makes me worry about how other people will think of me if I don’t shower yet another night and start to smell.
I take my meds. My depression makes me wonder what’s the point of taking them since they aren’t a cure for depression and since the first ones didn’t work, why would these be any different? My anxiety makes me choke on the pills one by one because I get so nervous just thinking about taking them.
I get back in bed and get ready to fall asleep. My depression has drained the little energy I had today and has me ready to pass out in minutes. My anxiety has me feeling so on edge and thinking about everything that happened that day and everything that’s going to happen tomorrow and 12 years in the future that I have to try and play a mind numbing game on my phone until I can relax and not think about anything so I can sleep.
Every day it is pretty much the same. The same thoughts, the same behaviors, the same depression and anxiety. Depression and anxiety are having a constant battle in my head all day long making me feel drained and just over life at the end of the day. But, I know that even the days that seem like the absolute worst are only 24 hours long, and so I get up and do the same thing the next day.
Can you relate? Tell Karissa in the comments below.
Photo by Remy_Loz on Unsplash