Depersonalization Disorder Makes My Life Feel Like a Movie

To you, the observer, I am me. I smile. I laugh. I function. I can hold a conversation, whether that may be for a limited period of time. My mind, however, tells a different story, for it is as if I am trapped inside a locked, invisible box; I am unable to break free from the chains keeping me from stepping back into reality.

During a heightened episode of depersonalization, I lose all ability to function, to communicate with those around me. I can hear conversations taking place, see mouths moving, but I am unable to process what is actually being said, nor form a sentence myself. My speech becomes slurred, my breathing shallow, and my vision distorted, as I can feel the chains tightening. I have even, on a few occasions, been left unable to consume solid foods due to my mouth not feeling like my own, as if it is filled with cotton wool. My body will become “psychologically numb,” as if I have been transported into another person’s being. I will very often believe I am not supposed to be this person. I am a trapped soul waiting to be returned to the correct bod.

My surroundings appear to resemble a scene from a movie set, and those I am supposed to know feel like total strangers, as I find myself patting the settee or touching a flat surface. I will pace through fear, believing if I walk quickly enough I will be able to “get away” from myself, that the chains will automatically start to unravel. Surprisingly enough, I will do the same while having a panic attack, as if crossing the road or moving from my living room to my bedroom will become a game of hide and seek and the dreaded anxiety will not be able to find me.

On occasions, heightened dissociation has even led me to believe I am either being filmed for a sequel to “The Truman Show” or that I am in a crime show re-enactment, and somehow, I am merely an actress in a scripted documentary and the producer/director will be calling it a wrap at any given moment.