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There's No Wrong Way to Grieve a Miscarriage

Four years ago, my mom took this picture of me as I was starting my first day of graduate school at Lubbock Christian University. When you look at this picture, what do you see?

From the outside looking in, you see me sitting at my desk excited about starting my new journey. However, what you can’t see is what was really going on that day.

On that day, four years ago, I was miscarrying. I don’t talk about that loss very often, but when that picture pops up each year in my Facebook memories, I can’t help but wonder who those little babies (multiples) would have been.

It was an early miscarriage at nine weeks. We had not announced the pregnancy, and we had not told many people, just immediate family and very close friends.

There are many different ways women grieve the baby they have lost. I spent a fair amount of time crying, eating large amounts of ice cream and did not really talk about it much with anyone. I internalized my loss by retreating from friends and family. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love those babies, that is just how I personally grieved for my loss.

Some women talk about their losses openly.

Some women need something physical to hold onto after they have lost their baby.

Some women wake up the next morning and continue on because that is what they need to do.

Grief is different for everyone. It does not look the same for me as it might for someone else. Although there were similarities, my grief journey was different between my loss with Robby who was born prematurely at 23 weeks and the loss with my miscarriage.

As someone who is a big supporter of breaking the silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss, I will admit I have not spoken out much about my miscarriage four years ago. When you open up about a miscarriage, it opens yourself up for judgment on how you handled it.

I want to remind myself, as well as those reading this:

There is no wrong way to grieve. There is no timeline for grief. Your journey of grief might look different than mine, and that is OK.  

Follow this journey on Project Robby

Photo courtesy of the author