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To My Therapist – Why I Really Got a Tattoo

To My Therapist,

I got a tattoo. It’s simple, easy to hide and has significant meaning.

Except that my reason is fake. I told my family and friends I got the tattoo for β€œreligious and spiritual reasons,” mainly so they wouldn’t ask if I got it because of my anxiety, which of course they still did.

The truth is I don’t feel well. My mind is constantly racing, my skin is tingling with an energy I cannot identify and I got the tattoo so I could do anything besides sit with my emotional pain.

You’ve probably already noticed that this letter isn’t really about a tattoo. It’s a cry for help.

Yes, I know I could have easily talked to you about it at my appointment. However, my racing thoughts and nervous energy make it hard for words to come out coherently. Just ask my friends and family how fast I’ve been talking the last few days. My car could also tell you stories of how I’ve been ugly crying and shouting song lyrics at the top of my lungs for the better part of a week.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I went to my primary care physician (PCP), but she pretty much blew me off and fussed at me for stopping my medication this summer.

Yes, I know that was wrong.

I want a diagnosis. I technically have one; it’s major depressive and generalized anxiety disorder, but it was given to me by my PCP with little to no thought or discussion, and I don’t feel as if it’s correct. Have I mentioned I’m a little upset?

Please don’t brush me off. Please help me. I want to get better.

Thanks,

Caity

Getty image by AlexZaitsev