The Response I've Learned to 'How Are You?' That's Honest, but Still Appropriate

Virtually every conversation you’re going to have today, or you had yesterday, will include the other party asking you some version of, “How are you?” Our default response is almost always, “all good” or, “things are good” or some variation of the two.

But how often are you telling the truth? 

For me, more often than not, I was an absolute liar, full of crap. Why? Because my response, despite how I was truly feeling, was always the same, “All is well.” Even on my darkest, worst days, I was always “OK.”

Now, part of this is due to the fact I had no need to burden the other party with the weight of my issues. I mean, how successful would my pitch call be if in response to a simple, “How are you doing?” I would say, “Not well at all! My depression is acting up, I couldn’t get out of bed this morning, my joints are all in pain and I feel like a grumpy bastard. Now, about my proposal …”

However, as many of you know, my passionate purpose is mental health and part of my mission is to break the stigma surrounding depression and anxiety as I struggle with both. So, over the past few weeks, I started asking myself if there was something I could do in response to this common question of, “How are you doing?” that could ever so slightly change the knee-jerk, automated response of “all good.”

The reason being is, in my opinion at least, the more automatic we are in responding to our mental state, the more we stigmatize admitting something isn’t right. I mean, it’s not uncommon for someone to respond with, “I’m OK, battling a nasty cold,” but to respond with a mental health equivalent, “I’m OK, but my anxiety is a bit high today,” would be considered odd, off-putting and uncomfortable.

So, as part of my ongoing healing efforts, I decided I would slightly alter my response when asked how I’m doing to simply say, “I’m OK today.” If the other party accepted it or didn’t have an issue with my response, we’d move right on swiftly. (I don’t want to insist upon myself and force those I don’t know to care about my issues; that’s rude and narcissistic and frankly there is way too much of that already in my opinion.) But if I knew the person, or they wanted to ask what I meant, I would simply say I’ve learned to take one day at a time, and today everything is OK.

Depending on my relationship with the individual, (again, never wanting to insist) if they wanted to know even more about my response, or they know my history, I would elaborate slightly by saying, “I don’t know if I’ll be OK tomorrow and I am not thinking about how I felt yesterday, but as of this moment in time, I am OK.” 

See, a big part of my healing is to focus on the present, and this is accomplished through many activities, including meditation and a gratitude journal. Now, this doesn’t mean I am successful every day focusing on the present, but I am mindful it is my intention. (Isn’t that half the battle?)

So, if we ever have a call or meet in real life, and you ask me how I’m doing, I will likely respond that I’m OK today. Imagine now if that became the default response for all of us. Wouldn’t that help reinforce the concept of presence, providing each of us the ability to move on from something bad in the past and ensure we weren’t thinking about how we’ll feel tomorrow?

Give it ago and see how you feel as the responses you get might just surprise you and, who knows, maybe you’ll even help the person on the other end of the line, too.