The Mighty Logo

Why the 'Chronic Pain Competition' Doesn't Help Anyone

The most helpful emails in health
Browse our free newsletters

Chronic, physical pain often carries or causes deep, emotional pain.

But while vocalizing physical pain is becoming more normalized, discussing the emotional pain of being dealt a deck of diseased cards remains taboo in many circles.

When I’ve had the temerity to discuss the emotional pain of chronic illness, those around me have become visibly uncomfortable. Their responses — if they respond — tend to be ones of, “Um, can’t you just take antidepressants?” or, worse, “Well, So-And-So is housebound/a wheelchair user/comatose, so you should stop complaining and count your blessings.

It’s as if the level of emotional pain you’re “allowed” to feel must directly correspond to the amount of physical pain others perceive you to be in. Ergo, if you want to have an emotional breakdown? You better have a terminal cancer diagnosis. Otherwise, you’re just overreacting and making everyone else in the room uncomfortable.

Giving the benefit of the doubt, these friends/family members may mean well, but the message received is hurtful: don’t talk about emotional pain. We don’t want to hear it.

I find this behavior ironically and especially prevalent when speaking with other members of the chronic illness community. Disturbingly, among some chronically ill people, there seems to be an unspoken Pain Competition, a who-has-it-worse one-upmanship that serves no one.

And we can’t talk about it.

Like other forms of emotional pain, the pain that stems from the Chronic Illness Pain Competition cannot be discussed in polite company.

The fact that I am both aggressor and the transgressed against in this competition — and it’s likely you are too — is a fact and a source of pain so sidelined that the ignoring of its existence is a source of yet more emotional pain.

Be honest. How many times have you gone to a chronic illness discussion group and judged someone for complaining about an illness you see as “less serious” than yours? Oh, your left arm hurts all the time? I have pain in my entire body all the time! Imagine having to deal with that, you chronic pain lightweight!

And, conversely, how many times have you gone to the boards to talk about your pain, only to be met with responses like the one above? I’ve lost count of the times I’ve attempted to speak with someone about my symptoms, only to be told how “good” I’ve got it, because I don’t have to deal with X, Y, Z, like they do.

This competition is painful and pointless.

Because no matter who “has it worse,” all of us are struggling. All of us need a safe place to voice our physical and emotional pain.

Maybe this is the place.

If it is, I’ll share: I’m suffering today. I’ve tried some new meds. None of them worked for me. In fact, they stirred up a few new symptoms, and I am scared. Scared, sad, defeated. That’s how I feel.

How do you feel today? Don’t be afraid to say it. And don’t fall into the trap of judging others for how they feel or the challenges they face.

Emotional pain is real. It often accompanies and exacerbates chronic illness. Addressing it is imperative to healing.

Let’s heal and help each other.

Getty image by Fizkes.

Originally published: October 11, 2020
Want more of The Mighty?
You can find even more stories on our Home page. There, you’ll also find thoughts and questions by our community.
Take Me Home