This year stole so much from so many; it was my health that made it my personal thief. The funny thing was I had actually started it by improving my lifestyle. The pandemic provided me the time and momentum to focus on exercising and getting lots of fresh air. I left footprints all around my neighborhood, exploring some of it for the very first time. I tuned out the news and depressing headlines and got lost in nature instead. It was the best I had felt in simply years. I grew stronger, ready to take on anything.
And then, it hit me.
The sudden fatigue, severe pain and I am back to feeling the worst I have in… well, years. I was on cloud nine, feeling proud and happy and now I’m struggling. Everything I do hurts. I’ve laid in bed for nearly entire weeks at a time in pain and I’m so, so tired. Taking a walk to get fresh air wears me out now and that’s hard for me to accept when I was running only months ago. Going grocery shopping takes all my energy; following a list feels often impossible due to brain fog. Getting a full night’s sleep? What is that, anyway?
The point is… the me I was just a few months ago feels like a stranger now. I don’t feel like I could recognize that girl even if I tried.
I miss her. I want her back. I want to run free with music blaring in my ears and not pay for it for days later. I’m currently grieving that, I can’t lie.
I’m not a fan of pain, although it’s been a constant companion of mine, whether that was physical or mental pain. I’ve always pushed through, repeating that often used phrase that pain reminds you you’re alive. Yeah, well, I don’t feel like I’m living much when it’s all my body feels… it reminds me I’m not living life the way I really want to.
One thing pain has taught me though is to not squander the little moments. To get lost in a loving touch that doesn’t cause instant pain. To still be active on the days I can, taking an extra minute to take in the reward of witnessing a breathtaking sunset. It’s taking pictures to capture a moment because the camera doesn’t have problem with brain fog and functions quite fine in my stead. It’s making memories and embracing the present as much as I can, even if that means I nap to have the strength to do so.
This year has showed me that anything is possible and I should never, ever take for granted every little unexpected reprieve of happiness, joy and laughter. It’s also proved to me that I’m capable of adapting and accepting change and it’s given me a roadmap to follow for the days I feel lost. I’m more capable than I give myself credit for, can handle more than I think and have survived so much that I never thought I would. I’ve got this, even if I feel like I’m falling apart.
This past year was exciting, exhausting and filled with the unexpected. I have no clue what the coming year has in store, but my only hope is that 2021 is much more friendlier to us all.
Getty image via Yuricazac
Lydia is a writer based in Virginia. She is a twin, sister, aunty, wife and a chronic pain and illness fighter, along with a supporter of loved ones with rare diseases that need more awareness. Her hobbies include traveling, being outdoors and lost in nature, collecting books she is determined to fully read one day, volunteering for causes dear to heart, and spending time being entertained by her rescue cat who never ceases to make her chuckle.
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