How to Tell the People In Your Life About Your ADHD Diagnosis

I remember when I was first diagnosed with ADHD, I didn’t know how to talk about it. I wasn’t sure what to say, and I didn’t know if telling people would change their perception of me. Part of me was worried they wouldn’t believe me, while another part was worried that they’d see me differently or judge me. Ultimately I decided that I needed to tell people about my diagnosis because I needed support and I didn’t want to hide it or carry it alone. I also knew that my ADHD caused behavior that wasn’t fair to others, and I didn’t want my telling others to come off as if I was making excuses or not taking accountability for my actions. If I had to do it all over again, here’s what I’d do.

Other relevant stories:
• Can You Qualify for Disability With ADHD?
• Emotional Dysregulation ADHD
• How Does Caffeine Affect ADHD?
• What is ADHD?

Before you decide who to tell (and what to tell them), consider the below questions: 

• Can I trust this person?
• Why do I want to tell this person? 
• What do I hope to get out of telling them? 
• How do I think they will react to this information? 
• What is my plan if they don’t respond in a way that feels good? 
• Are there any risks if I tell this person?

How to Your Friends, Family, or Loved Ones About Your ADHD

I didn’t have the best reaction from some friends — a couple took it as a joke and made jokes about recreationally using my medication, while others didn’t recognize the gravity of it. Over time, my friends have learned a lot more about my ADHD, and are so accommodating and understanding. Sometimes ADHD makes me a bad friend — I miss important things, forget commitments, zone out when they’re talking, or talk too much about myself. When telling a friend, follow this formula: 

1. Find a convenient time to talk, when you won’t be interrupted and you can both speak freely.

2. Tell them your diagnosis, and how it impacts you: “I have ADHD, which means that I struggle to focus and sometimes zone out. It also makes me sensitive to rejection even if I’m not being rejected, and I can be really forgetful.” 

3. Show you’ve thought about how it may impact them: “I know I forgot your birthday this year, or I am late to our plans. I also realize that I often cut you off when you’re speaking, and I’m really sorry that this impacts you too.”

4. Indicate ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse: “Many of these things are typical symptoms of ADHD, and are the cause of my behavior. It’s not because I don’t care about you or what you have to say. That being said, I know it’s not an excuse and doesn’t make up for the times I’ve hurt your feelings.”

5. Discuss your game plan. If you have one: “Now that I have this diagnosis, I can work on getting better at these things, but it won’t happen overnight or be 100% different. I’m starting therapy and medication to learn to manage my ADHD.” If you don’t have one: “I’m not really sure about what I’m going to do next with this new information, but I wanted to share it with you.”

6. Ask for their thoughts: “Now that I’ve shared this, are there any thoughts you wish to share or questions you have for me? Does this come as a surprise to you? Is there anything you noticed about me that makes more sense now?”

7. Let them know how to help you: “I could use some help in remembering things — would you mind reminding me the day we have plans?” Or if you aren’t sure, say that too — “I don’t know how I want to be supported right now, but it’s just nice to know that I have your support and I’ll let you know when I know what I need.”

Telling Your Boss or Coworkers About Your ADHD

You have a few different options about how to approach this at work — if you want to at all. You can reach out to HR to go through a formal accommodation route, or just have a casual conversation with your boss if you just want to give them the information. No one at work is entitled to knowing your diagnosis, so it’s up to you to decide how much you want to share. If you want to be super open:

1. Book some 1:1 time to discuss it: “Thanks for meeting with me today. I wanted to share that I’ve just been diagnosed with ADHD, and while I feel confident that I can perform to the best of my ability, I wanted to make you aware.” 

2. Explain the work impact it may have had: “You may have noticed that sometimes I have a hard time staying focused in meetings longer than 2 hours, or that I prefer different, novel work to mundane repetitive tasks.” 

3. Show a commitment to feedback: “I’m still learning about this myself, and if you are open to it, I’d appreciate some feedback about anything else you’ve noticed about my performance that may be related. I am committed to performing to the best of my ability, and am open to constructive guidance.”

4. Ask for accommodations: “I’ve learned that the following accommodations will help me succeed even more at work: assistance with assigning priorities for my workload, frequent short breaks, and a quieter workspace or noise-canceling headphones.”

5. Show your strengths: “Having ADHD uniquely sets me up for success with certain things, such as changing tasks because I like new and novel activities, responding well to pressure, and managing multiple priorities at the same time.”

As you tell people about your ADHD, both personally and professionally, remember that you have complete control and agency over who you tell what to. If you want the people you tell to keep that information to themselves, let them know you’d appreciate their discretion in keeping it confidential. Subsequently, if you’re comfortable with them sharing the information, let them know that you’re open about it and don’t mind if they tell others (this is helpful if you’re not interested in having the same conversation multiple times). ADHD is nothing to be ashamed of and it doesn’t make you any less of a person, so don’t feel like it’s something you have to hide.

Sometimes, sharing can really help develop a strong support system where we can thrive with our ADHD, and our own insecurities shouldn’t get in the way of us getting the care we absolutely deserve. I hope that as you tell more people, you are met with love, kindness, and understanding and that you never feel like your ADHD holds you back. There are so many people in your life who would be happy to support you, we just have to let them.